atomant Posted February 11, 2016 Report Share Posted February 11, 2016 A Chinese guy comes into the pub and stands next to me and starts drinking a pint of beer I said to him " Do you know any of those martial arts like Kung-Fu, Ju-Jitsu or Karate?" He says " Why da F*k you ask me dat. Is it coz I Chinese ?" "No" I said , " It's because you're drinking my F***ing Beer!" 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 11, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2016 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted February 11, 2016 Report Share Posted February 11, 2016 A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on boardEveryone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself."Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."The first person steps up and thinks for a moment.He says "You know God, I've been ugly all my life. For once I would like to know what it is like to be beautiful. Make me beautiful." So God snaps his fingers and it is so.Everyone else starts chattering amongst themselves at such a brilliant idea. They all start wishing for the same thing.God steps up to the last guy in line who is laying on his side laughing so hard he is crying. After several minutes of patiently waiting, God finally says "Now what in Heaven could be so funny boy?" The man stands up, wipes a tear from his eye and says "Make them buggers ugly again." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted February 12, 2016 Report Share Posted February 12, 2016 Kenny Police is Hams job, hope you're well mate. I've had to accept that it's a thankless task. I could be such a jobsworth you know. Reminds me of the continuous theme running in the Viz comic whenever someone wrote in and offered the 'top-tip' of: Why spend so much money on a personalised number plate? I saved a fortune by changing my name by deed poll to NB53 PDY. The editor would rip into the sender with;'This is currently the 263rd time someone has sent in this joke without reading previous issues...what a w****r.' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 12, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2016 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 12, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2016 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 12, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2016 (edited) My wife came into my shed complaining about my inventions that she said never work anyway.It was at this point that the Slap-a-**** 3000 GTI automatic proved her wrong Edited February 12, 2016 by the addict 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted February 13, 2016 Report Share Posted February 13, 2016 I thought Andy drove a Subaru. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 13, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2016 (edited) Well it is Valentines day tomorrow. Bought the wife a dozen red roses, she said "I suppose I'll have to open me legs for them now"............ I said.................................haven't you got a vase? Edited February 13, 2016 by the addict 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biffsgasgas Posted February 13, 2016 Report Share Posted February 13, 2016 (edited) Ohy veh.... Unless it involves bike choice I am not political but..... This.... Face palm http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/12/politics/donald-trump-autographs-baby-crowdsurfing/ --Biff Edited February 13, 2016 by biffsgasgas 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted February 18, 2016 Report Share Posted February 18, 2016 "Twitter Biffsgasgas" That just SOUNDS gay! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 19, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2016 Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson retire early to bed for a quickie. Watson obligingly bends over the bed and Holmes starts spreading Lemon Curd over Watson's a***. "Holmes, what on earth are you doing back there?", Holmes replies, "Lemon Entry, my dear Watson, Lemon Entry!!.. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted February 21, 2016 Report Share Posted February 21, 2016 HI, I'm going to learn how to knit, then get some steel wool and knit myself a VOLVO.............. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2016 Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight a...t he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! ffs Go home!" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2016 An Irish Mother’s Letter Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this slowly because I know that you can’t read very fast. You won’t know the house when you come home. We’ve moved. About your father, he has got a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He cuts grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out yet if it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if your an aunt or an uncle. I went to the docto...rs on Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of Irish whiskey at the Dublin brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took 3 days to put the fire out. It only rained twice this week, first for 3 days and then for 4 days. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother’s plot wasn’t paid in 7 days, up she comes. Your loving Mother, P.S. I was going to send you 5 euros, but I have already sealed the envelope." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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