Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[atomant]

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

 

I was in an 80's band called prevention! .. They were better than The Cure ..

 

Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it's funny, but it's snot

 

You know what they say about cliffhangers......

 

 

[b40rt]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies,

"I think you'll find that that's a sheep, you idiot".

The man says,

"I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[slapshot 3]

Arriving home, Justin was met by his sobbing wife.

 

Tearfully she explained, "The Chemist. He insulted me this morning on the phone. I
had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

 

Justin jumped in his van and drove down to confront the Chemist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said "Now, just
a minute... Mate, hear my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to
go off, so I was late. Without breakfast I hurried out to the car to
realise I'd locked the house with house and car keys inside. I Had to
break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a
speeding ticket about three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me
to open up. I started waiting on these people, all the time the damn
phone never stopped ringing. Then I had to break open a bag of one and
two pound coins against the cash register drawer to give change and
they spilled all over the floor I had to get down on my hands and knees
to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I
came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger
back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it. Half
of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing
with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She
wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mate,
as God is my witness, all I did was tell her..........

[slapshot 3]

There was a Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic Church and a Jewish Synagogue in a small town. Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many in number there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptised the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but by all accounts they took one squirrel and circumcised him…….. they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

[b40rt]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies,

"I think you'll find that that's a sheep, you idiot".

The man says,

"I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

You should like this Donald, it's one of yours ,

[slapshot 3]

You should like this Donald, it's one of yours ,

 

Thought it was familiar.... you well??

[slapshot 3]

Statistics recently released from The United Nations reveal that: Australian, Canadian, UK and US men between 50 and 75 years of age, will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year.

This is very upsetting news to many of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Little Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
I had *** all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada .
Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got *** all for breakfast'.

Edited February 24, 2016 by slapshot 3

[slapshot 3]

...There is shortly to be a new magazine launched in 26 parts entitled 'Constipated Monthly'.

 

 

 

 

 

 

With your first issue you get a free ring binder.

[slapshot 3]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
She's 21 and her name's Melanie

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's , his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' she replied, 'You're having soup, I was talking to the dogs'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!

 

-------------------------------------------------------

 

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Edited February 24, 2016 by slapshot 3

[gizza5]

There once was an Apache Indian whose given name was 
"Onestone". 
So named because he had only one testicle. 
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. 
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" 
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. 
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 
"Good morning, Onestone." 
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. 
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. 
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. 
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. 
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. 
She hugged him and said, 
"Good to see you Onestone." 
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

.

.
What is the moral of this story????

.

.
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!

[ham2]

Steve decides he's had enough of the rat-race and sells up to leave the city for a remote Scottish island .

After a short ferry trip he hails a taxi and is introduced to his first local; the cab driver.

 

Steve admires the scenic landscape whizzing past his window when the taxi makes an unscheduled stop and the annoyed driver points out several small rowing boats in the harbour.

 

"Ye see them boats there? I designed them, drew the plans, felled al the materials and built them with my own skilled hands but do they call me Rab-the-Boat-builder?...Do they f*** !"

 

Steve's a little unsettled as the incresingly angered driver wheel spins away and says nothing more until they drive up a steep hill with two idyllic cottages nearby. The irate driver jams on the brakes and states;

 

"Ye see them lodges there? I designed them, drew the plans, quarried the materials and built them with my own skilled hands but do they call me Rab-the-Masterbuilder?...Do they f*** !"

 

"But ye take one lousy sheep to the cinema......"

 

Edited February 25, 2016 by ham2

[the addict]

Steve decides he's had enough of the rat-race and sells up to leave the city for a remote Scottish island .

After a short ferry trip he hails a taxi and is introduced to his first local; the cab driver.

 

Steve admires the scenic landscape whizzing past his window when the taxi makes an unscheduled stop and the annoyed driver points out several small rowing boats in the harbour.

 

"Ye see them boats there? I designed them, drew the plans, felled al the materials and built them with my own skilled hands but do they call me Rab-the-Boat-builder?...Do they f*** !"

 

Steve's a little unsettled as the incresingly angered driver wheel spins away and says nothing more until they drive up a steep hill with two idyllic cottages nearby. The irate driver jams on the brakes and states;

 

"Ye see them lodges there? I designed them, drew the plans, quarried the materials and built them with my own skilled hands but do they call me Rab-the-Masterbuilder?...Do they f*** !"

 

"But ye take one lousy sheep to the cinema......"

 

lol, should have said Gizza or Donald instead of Steve.

[suzuki250]

A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog. He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.”

 

The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.”

 

The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog!”

[laird387]

I bought a lovely chocolate retriever puppy as a surprise present for my wife on Valentine’s Day. Sadly it turns out she has an allergy to dogs, so sad to say she has to go and hopefully someone out there may be able to give her a good home.

 

Her name is Patricia, she’s 55, good personality and not a bad cook.

 

[the addict]