Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

During my wife's labour, the midwife came up to us and said, how about Epidural Anesthesia?" I said, "thanks, but we've already picked a name.

 

 

 

 

 

[spen]

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. 

The very proper church ladies were appalled. 
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. 

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while. 

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. 

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

[spen]

The science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework.

And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

[spen]

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Brisbane Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant woman married to a wealthy business man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Gladstone, Queensland.

When the conversation centred on whether they had any children, the Victorian woman started by saying,

“When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from Gladstone commented “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes Benz”.

Again the lady from Gladstone commented, “Well isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the Gladstone lady commented, “Well isn’t that precious?”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Gladstone lady.

“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh my Lord! What on earth for?”

The elderly Gladstone lady responded, “Well as an example.....instead of saying, “Who gives a ****" I learned to say,

“Well, isn’t that precious.....”

[spen]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said,"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like ,but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest

said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." 'I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office.

"You may say two words today".

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably for the best", said the Priest, "You've done fook all but moan since you've been here.."

[spen]

 

The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a pay rise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his salary.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber boots."

[spen]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.

She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother.

'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.

'Mum, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mum, 'I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!'

[spen]

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics just released from Statistics Australia and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, revealing that: 

  

Australian men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

  

This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my mates at the bike club, as none of us had any idea we were Japanese.

 

[floydbassman]

Whats pink and hard in the morning?  The financial times crossword....

[pa.]

The teenage girl brings her new boyfriend over to meet her folks.
Her mother says hello and asks him his name, and he says, "Christopher Motherf***er C*cksu***r Flanagan."
After a long, uncomfortable silence, the mother says soothingly to him, "Oh - Connie didn't tell us you had Tourette's."
The boy says, "I don't - but the SOB who baptised me, did."

[atomant]

UK certain age humour

[atomant]

[the addict]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster
says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"
Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a
Brazillion?"

Edited August 13, 2016 by the addict

[gizza5]

Dear Problem Page,

I am a sailor in the British Navy.

My parents live in a suburb of Birmingham and one of my sisters, who lives in Solihul, is married to a guy from Manchester.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Moss side.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Strangeways, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in the local remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Burton - Upon - Trent and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with a sexually transmitted disease.

We intend to marry as soon as possible, and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiance utilising her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team, although I would prefer them not to continue to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets, and hopefully, the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scotsman?

[b40rt]

Thought the punch line was "should I tell her I ride a BMW"