Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[floydbassman]

Confucius may not have said these things, but they are still true.  

Squirrel in Thailand will find nuts....

[trialswarrior]

Squirrel in Thailand will find nuts....

 

or in San Francisco.

 

Q: Why don't women wear miniskirts in San Francisco?

A: Their balls show

[spen]

A garbage collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.

There's no answer.

Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"

"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"

"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.

"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"

[spen]

 

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. 
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.   
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. 
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. 
Male..... Playing football without a cup. 

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n . 
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. 
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 

 

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. 
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family. 
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one . 

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. 
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. 
Female.... An embarrassing by - product of indigestion. 
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. 
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. 
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. 
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. 

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. 

 

AND;

 

He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you? 

He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? 
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror! 

He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[copemech]

Did I already post this?

 

 

[zippy]

For example:

 

[spen]

A couple who work at the circus go to

an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts

about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50

foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful

nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful

about the education that the child would get.

"We've arranged for a

full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual

subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer

skills."

Then there are doubts about raising a

child in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is an expert in

pediatric welfare and diet."

The social

workers are finally satisfied.

They ask, "What age child are you

hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as

long as he fits in the

cannon."

[pa.]

They wanted to check the caliber of the child first.

[the addict]

My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For **** sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"

[copemech]

https://youtu.be/GT3vhcy3XaQ

 

Worth a listen(language)!

Edited September 30, 2016 by copemech

[spen]

I’ve never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and

women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole

Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and

women with their heart....

For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were

getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then

she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads

to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as

a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying,

"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you

in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went

to sleep. The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work

to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then

went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked

around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just

buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new

clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit. We went on to

the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of

diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought

I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she

was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when

she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw

her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from

all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she

finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey,

I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her

jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man

enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.

" And just when she had this look like she was going to kill

me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and

not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either…

[spen]

"You'll be fine," the doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery.

She asked, "But how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.

The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no-one has ever asked me that before after having their tonsils out."

[the addict]

[spen]

ALERT:  TRUMP could destroy the local economies

Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands and moving elsewhere - showing their outrage with Donald Trump's proposed law of sending illegal immigrants back to their native countries.

In the small town of Guadalupe, AZ, south of Phoenix, Manuel Renaldo is one of those who are vowing to punish Arizona by leaving.

As he loaded his stolen car with his taxpayer-furnished belongings and family of ten, Renaldo told this reporter through an interpreter: "It's a matter of principle; I refuse to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal!"

The effects of the exodus are already being felt by some Arizona retailers, who are reporting dwindling thefts and sales of beer, tequila, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard are the state hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in births and emergency room visits.

State welfare agencies are preparing to lay off staffs that distribute food stamps and unemployment benefits.

  

Tattoo parlours are in an absolute state of panic!

Renaldo told a reporter, through an interpreter, that he and his family are moving to Canada, with a new Liberal government under Justin Trudeau and new higher taxes, hardworking people will better support him and his family with dignity!

 

[pa.]

Seems legit.