Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[guys]

 

ALERT:  TRUMP could destroy the local economies

Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands and moving elsewhere - showing their outrage with Donald Trump's proposed law of sending illegal immigrants back to their native countries.

In the small town of Guadalupe, AZ, south of Phoenix, Manuel Renaldo is one of those who are vowing to punish Arizona by leaving.

As he loaded his stolen car with his taxpayer-furnished belongings and family of ten, Renaldo told this reporter through an interpreter: "It's a matter of principle; I refuse to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal!"

The effects of the exodus are already being felt by some Arizona retailers, who are reporting dwindling thefts and sales of beer, tequila, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard are the state hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in births and emergency room visits.

State welfare agencies are preparing to lay off staffs that distribute food stamps and unemployment benefits.

  

Tattoo parlours are in an absolute state of panic!

Renaldo told a reporter, through an interpreter, that he and his family are moving to Canada, with a new Liberal government under Justin Trudeau and new higher taxes, hardworking people will better support him and his family with dignity!

 

Are you talking about this Trump? 

 

http://time.com/4465744/donald-trump-undocumented-workers/

[spen]

Paddy takes an ancient and tatty looking stuffed dog along to the Antiques Roadshow... 

The presenter asks, "... do you know what that would fetch in good condition"?









Paddy replies, "Sticks"

 

 

 

[gizza5]

After signing for a new football club, my manager said to me, "In the first game, I'll be pulling you off at half time."

I said, "Cheers boss! We used to just get an orange at my last club......."

[copemech]

I may have blown up yhe website by posting this, but I will try again.

 

Caution! Language!

 

This is exactly what happens when you give a Texan some Scotch, then send his ass to France!

 

 

https://youtu.be/4-0igGffKrI

[spen]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

 

You all have obsessions, he stated. I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children.

 

To the first mother, Mary, he said: You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

 

He turned to the second Mum, Ann, Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, Whisky

 

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne and Poppy.

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Grab Fanny and Willy, we're going

.

 

 

[spen]

I bumped into an old mate today. 

He said, "What you up to these days?" 
I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, alcoholics and down 'n' outs." 
He said, "So you work in a charity drop in centre?" 































I said, "No, I'm a chef at Wetherspoons."

 

 

 

[spen]

Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs

are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another

dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the

floor.

4. A dog's parents never

visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another

dog?"

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

And last, but not least:

12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

[tony27]

There goes half your stuff if you try that one

[spen]

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!" 

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

He continued running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could, which wasn't very good at all.

 

  

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"

Only when it's raining.

"

 

 

[the addict]

[spen]

I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing. He replied that he is working on "Aqua-thermal  treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".

 

I was impressed......
 
On further inquiring I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water... under his wife's instruction....

 

 

 

[spen]

I talked to a  homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended

 

up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my

 

clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had

 

TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. 

 

I was working on my MBA on-line.  I had no bills and no debt. I even

had full medical and dental coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened?  Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said.  "No, no.

 

I just got out of prison..."

 

 

 

 

[spen]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is

invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and

his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his

problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: “Dear

Sir,Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit.

The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your

wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.”

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he

writes a letter of complaint..

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note “Dear

Sir,Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's

habit.

The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you

will really look the part.”

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has

gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald

head.

So he writes a really strong letter of complaint..

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the

accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.We suggest you pour the tin

of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your

wooden leg up your a*** and go as a toffee apple.”

[spen]

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow pat on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading - and the few who learn by observation.

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding ahead of the herd take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta’ the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he start roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometer. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about ageing is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.

Today it's called golf.

[spen]

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door.

I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know.

The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.

Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

THE ACTIONS

Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbour:

THE SECOND MESSAGE

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.

I expect you figured it out anyway, & that you noticed that darned Autocorrect changed 'Wi-Fi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey?

Regards, Alan.