Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[spen]

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the bleedin' dog!"

[spen]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of Customers and said, "About two

hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked again...

The barber checked the shop and said "About three hours....." The guy

left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long

Before I can get a Haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a Half." The

guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow

that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for

a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.

A little while Later Bill returned to the shop.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

"Your House"

[spen]

Today's riddle for seniors... Here is the situation:

 

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed

On your right side is a sharp drop-off. 

On your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 

Scroll down

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get off the merry-go-round and go home, you silly old bugger!

 

  

 

 

[spen]

An Irish farmer named Paddy Callaway had a car accident involving a lorry.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Callaway.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said,

'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy CALLAWAY'S answer and said to the solicitor:

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the Fook would you have said?

[trialswarrior]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo".

 

[laird387]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him:

“I've got problems.  Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.”

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.

"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”
 

“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.

“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00.  A bartender cured me for $10.00. 

I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.  Ain't nobody under there now.”

 

It's always better to get a second opinion.

 

 

[laird387]

 

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE...


(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) 
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever'). 

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell... 

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. 

 

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

 

        

 

[spen]

A woman who had been married 3 times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and colour dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the fascinated sales clerk.

"That one was a politician," said the woman. "Every night for four years, he sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

[spen]

An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Oldham taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Manchester... There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Oldham and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to Blackburn, Darwen, Burnley, Rochdale and Littleborough. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it. The American, upon leaving Lancashire decided to travel to Yorkshire to see if Yorkshiremen had the same phone.

He arrived in Todmorden, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son. It's a local call.'

[spen]

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through my next door neighbour's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then dug a grave and buried the body in it. Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said, "You're shaking, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said, "That old sod next door has still got my shovel!"

[spen]

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released -New LP -Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make- available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make.

I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the

window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like

to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for

you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the

earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the

world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I

recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant.

"If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

"I don't understand it", he says,

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.

Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant,

"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

[spen]

Two lesbians are on a game show together and the host asks them about themselves:......"So, what do you two do?"

"We work at a supermarket. One of us sells fruit and veg and the other sells meat.".. "I see. So, which one of you is the butcher?"

They look at each other, think for a second and then one of them replies:

"We're about the same really"

Edited April 2, 2016 by spen

[spen]

Some may know that I was away in Sweden and Finland for work a few weeks ago. I have to confess that one evening, in the hotel, I had a bit of difficulty with one of the local girls.

Beautiful girl, she was, young, very, very pretty and she was just constantly hammering on my hotel room door.

I put up with it for about 2 hours then it just got too much for me, and I had to let her out.......

[spen]

Ronnie Corbett jokes....

 

A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'

 

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.

 

We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.

 

There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.

 

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand.

 

For some time, my wife's had this ridiculous idea that I'm playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: "Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!". And I'll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don't expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night.

 

This is a message for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: Breakfast was served three days ago.

 

French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders' sit-in.

 

West Mercia police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.

 

It was revealed in a government survey published today that the prime minister is doing the work of two men, Laurel and Hardy.

 

We'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame.

 

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.

 

We've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.

 

A grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins. His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a fortnight.

 

[spen]

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery! They were right... we had 6 matching balls.