Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[gizza5]

Just had a medical.

The doctor said "Don't eat anything fatty"

I said "Like bacon and burgers?"

.

.

He said "No fatty, don't eat anything!!!"

[the addict]

40 Scousers arrive at the Pearly Gates. St.Peter consults with God and says to them, "We've only got room for 12 of you so you'll have to decide amongst yourselves who comes into the house of the lord." 5 minutes later St.Peter says to God, "I don't believe it, they've gone!" God says, "What, all 40 of them?" St.Peter says, "No, the ****ing gates!"

[spen]

From the Rotherham Bugle.....

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her a*** to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;

“I’m still in agony,” she said, “And Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers....“ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an a*** inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”

[spen]

A homeowner in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on her roof.

She looks in the yellow pages and finds an ad for "Alberta Bear Remover."

So she calls the number and a man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun and a mean looking pit bull dog.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I'm going to go up and I'll knock the bear off the roof

with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

The bear will become subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[spen]

A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Goan f*ck yourself!”

The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”

DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.”

DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Smee again! Goan f*ck yourself!”

[michael_t]

This is a conversation between a man & his wife. Please note that she asks 5 or 6 questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is

speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there; I'm just saying......

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:

Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:

How many beers a day?

Man:

Usually about 3

Woman:

How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:

And how long have you been drinking?

Man:

About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:

So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately

$5400.00 correct?

Man:

Correct

Woman:

If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?

Man:

Correct

Woman:

Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting

for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:

Do you drink beer?

Woman:

No.

Man:

Where's your Ferrari?

[the addict]

Gizza told me this one.

 

God created Adam and said, "I have given you everything you could ever want. Is there anything else you would like?"
Adam replied, "I would like a sandwich,"
to which God then created Eve.

[spen]

A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman,

Mrs Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital,

saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

 

 

A hospital spokesman replied:

 

"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery.

All we did was correct his eyesight."

 

 

[gizza5]

One for Andy and Donald?

Twin sisters in a Liverpool Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of the Toxteth Evening newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin,

"WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!"

said the other.

"Now get a little closer together,"

said the cameraman.

Again,

"WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little,"

said the photographer.

Same again,

"WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out,

"Good God!

BOTH OF US????"

[the addict]

Had to take the dog to the vets this morning after he ate the Christmas tree lights, when the vet looked at him and said he would be alright his little face lit up

Edited December 17, 2016 by the addict

[gizza5]

The three wise men arrive to visit the infant lying in the manger...bearing gifts of gold...Incense...and myrrh.

One of the wise men...who is very tall...accidentally bumps his head on the low doorway as he leaves the stable.

"Jesus Christ!"...he exclaims.

Joseph says..."Write that down...Mary..

It's better than Justin

[the addict]

Out with the lads from OCD Anonymous tonight. Things aren't going to get messy

[spen]

....

[spen]

A biker is riding by the zoo in London when he sees a little girl

leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar

of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes

of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Honda, runs to the cage and hits the lion square

on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps

back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified

parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Honda

rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a

man do in my whole life.' The Honda rider replies, Why, it was nothing,

really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger,

and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a

journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the

front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political

affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies "I'm a Royal Marine, and a Conservative." The journalist

leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings

news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

ROYAL MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!.....

Edited December 24, 2016 by spen

[guys]