Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery! They were right... we had 6 matching balls.

 

lol, although officer Ham2 will pick you up for that one mate.

[the addict]

I think my best mate is having an affair with my wife . He's been a right miserable ******* lately!!..

[the addict]

Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have 'tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those.
Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I... had to go in for a couple of Guinnesses -- couldn't be rude, ye know.
Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..."
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?"

[spen]

A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down

by a cheetah.

While the kill was about to happen before their eyes,

the husband casually remarked, "l bet the antelope gets away."

The wife answered,

"If that antelope survives this one, l'l give you sex every day for the

rest of your life."

The deadly chase was recorded...........

..........https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYDIwOnXNc8

[the addict]

Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal sex for the first time.
He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safe word twice and I'll stop.
"She says "OK, what's the safe word ???
He replied "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

 

[the addict]

"For some time, my wife’s had this ridiculous idea that I’m playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: ‘Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is ****in golf!’ And I’ll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don’t expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night."..

[the addict]

My wife just left me because of my obsession with cricket.
It's really hit me for 6!

 

[spen]

A man goes to the doctors with a small lump on the bridge of his nose

The doctor examines him and says "well this is strange, but it appears you are growing a second penis"!

"WHAT"! says the man "HOW THE HELL AM I'M GOING TO APPEAR IN PUBLIC LOOKING LIKE THAT"!

"Calm down" replies the doc "you won't see it"

"Really"?

"Yeah....The bollocks will cover your eyes"

[spen]

Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal sex for the first time.

He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safe word twice and I'll stop.

"She says "OK, what's the safe word ???

He replied "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

Reminds me of the dyslexic woman who left her husband a note saying she fancied anal, he spent all day at work excited, he got home and she'd run off with his mate Alan.......

[the addict]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is", having never seen an elevator before.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the mo...ving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old
blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

[atomant]

This old trials rider wanted a brand new pair of Trials boots, so when he was at the World rounds, he saw some for sale and bought them right there and then.

When he got them home, he tried them on and walked into the kitchen and said to his wife, " Hey Maureen, Notice anything different about me?

 

She said "Nope !"

 

So he stormed off to the bedroom , got completely naked except for his new boots, then walked back into the kitchen and said " Maureen, notice anything different NOW? "

 

She said, "Kevin, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow !" 

 

So Kevin yells at her.. " AND DO YOU KNOW WHY ITS HANGING DOWN?? IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW FECKING BOOTS !"

 

Maureen pauses for a moment and says, " Really ? .....Should have bought a new Helmet "

 

Edited April 8, 2016 by atomant

[spen]

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in,

stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

 

I said to him, "Do you know any martial arts, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

 

He says "No, why  you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?

 

"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer."

[spen]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics' shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens & a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem--how to carry all his purchases home!

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time!"

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[laird387]

A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? '

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. '

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them
£50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems,
pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married so we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges £98.

The Hilton charges £139.

We do it here for £50 , and I get £43 back from BUPA

 

[spen]

A chap out fishing on his boat gets caught up in a storm and gets stranded on a desert island. He's been there all alone for a year when he sees a cruise ship come into view, to his horror as he's waving to attract attention he sees the ship start to sink. An hour later he sees Kylie Minogue lying on the beach, exhausted. He picks her up and carries her back to the hut he's fashioned from branches, leaves and grass. He nurses her back to health and after a week she's fully fit.

As a thank you she offers herself to him and they start a relationship. After three months he asks her if she'll wear his clothes and paint a moustache and beard on her face with ash from the fire.

Kylie thinks it's a bit odd, but does as he asks.

He then asks her to walk along the beach where he says he'll meet up with her and he'll approach her and call her John.

She walks along the beach and he approaches her. He says to her: ' John, guess who I'm shagging, only bloody Kylie Minogue'.

Edited April 13, 2016 by spen