spen Posted December 25, 2016 Report Share Posted December 25, 2016 The police came to my house last night They showed me a picture and asked "Is this your wife, Sir?" "Yes", I replied Then they said "I am afraid it looks like she has been hit by a bus" I said -"I know but she's good with the kids and the cats like her" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted December 29, 2016 Author Report Share Posted December 29, 2016 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted December 30, 2016 Report Share Posted December 30, 2016 We here need more football like this 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted January 4, 2017 Report Share Posted January 4, 2017 (edited) A very sad day today After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after ONE minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in his profession ! What a waste of time, effort, training and money.! A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant mortician .. Edited January 4, 2017 by atomant 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guys Posted January 9, 2017 Report Share Posted January 9, 2017 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guys Posted January 10, 2017 Report Share Posted January 10, 2017 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted January 11, 2017 Report Share Posted January 11, 2017 CHURCH NOTICES.. The Fasting and Prayer Conference will include meals --------------------------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled, proceeds will be used to cripple children ----------------------------------------------- This mornings sermon will be titled "Jesus walks on water"; This evening it will be "Searching for Jesus" -------------------------------------- Ladies don't forget the upcoming rummage sale, its a chance to get rid of all those things not worth keeping.. Bring your husbands, ----------------------------------- Don;t let worry kill you off, let the church help --------------------------------------------- Ms Charlene Masson sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation ------------------------------------ For those of you who have children and don't know it, there is a nursery downstairs ----------------------------------- Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the Choir, they need all the help they can get ---------------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church, so ends a friendship that began in their schooldays --------------------------------- A Bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening on the church hall, Music will follow ----------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell"?; come early and listen to the choir ------------------------------ Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones --------------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want to remember ---------------------------------- The church will host and evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility --------------------------------- Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5pm, prayer and medication to follow ---------------------------------- the ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, they may be seen in the basement on Friday Afternoon --------------------------------- this evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church, Bring a blanket and be prepared to sin ----------------------------- The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet at 7pm, please use the back door --------------------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeares hamlet in the church basement on Friay at 7pm, the congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------------------------- Weight watchers will meet at 7pm at the first presbytarian Church, please use the large double doors at the side entrance 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted January 13, 2017 Report Share Posted January 13, 2017 A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.She repeats this gesture about five more times.When she is about to hand him another batch again...he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted January 16, 2017 Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" I’m absolutely knackered from my French self-defence class last night. I’ve never run so far in all my life. An elderly man was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. The friend was impressed by the way the man preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the living room, his friend leaned over to say, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife all those loving names.” The elderly man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said. ”Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old bat what it is.” I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her Birthday, not the greatest gift but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it! I lost my job in the alarm clock factory, I kept sleeping in America: a country where people believe the moon landing is fake, but wrestling is real The popularity of origami has increased ten-fold I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters ….. he didn’t like it – I had it. Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn’t like it so I had it. It was the same with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the pram home I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you. My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.” I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.' I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.' I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.' I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there. I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michael_t Posted January 26, 2017 Report Share Posted January 26, 2017 (edited) Ho Lee Schitt. Edited January 26, 2017 by michael_t 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guys Posted January 26, 2017 Report Share Posted January 26, 2017 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted January 27, 2017 Report Share Posted January 27, 2017 A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,very closely: "Are- My – Test – Results - Back?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted February 2, 2017 Report Share Posted February 2, 2017 Quote Modify Remove Split Topic An Eskimo was driving along in his car, when it suddenly started smoking heavily. He quickly drove to a nearby garage where a mechanic was able to look the car over. "This may take a while" said the mechanic, "why don't you go for a little walk in town?" So off went the Eskimo, walking down the high street, doing some window shopping. It was quite a hot afternoon, and he decided to stop for an ice cream. Afterwards, he popped back in the garage to see how his car was. The mechanic walks up to him, and says: "looks like you've blown a seal" "No! No!" Exclaimed the Eskimo, quite embarrassed, wiping his mouth: " It's only Ice-cream!!" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted February 6, 2017 Report Share Posted February 6, 2017 This morning my wife said to me that she had a head cold ?I said.. "It's probably because you're a fat [nice chap]""How can being fat cause me to get a head cold ?" she screamed.I said.. "Because your head's never out of the f@@@ing fridge fatty!" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 6, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2017 A young man watched an elderly couple sit down to lunch at a restaurant.He noticed that they had ordered one meal and an extra drink cup.As he watched, the old man carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries – one for him, one for her, until each had an even number.Then the old man poured half the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat and his wife sat watching with her hands folded in her lap.The young man hesitated, then approached the couple and asked if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they wouldn't have to split theirs. The old man said, "Oh no. We've been married for 50 years, and everything has always been, and always will be shared 50-50." The young man asked the old woman if she was going to eat. "Later," she replied. "It's his turn with the teeth. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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