Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[kevin j]

so he was originally fined for not notifying a government agency that his motorcycle was off the road? Does that mean parked and not being used?

 there must be something lost in the translation of words 

[twinnshock]

20 hours ago, kevin j said:

so he was originally fined for not notifying a government agency that his motorcycle was off the road? Does that mean parked and not being used?

 there must be something lost in the translation of words 

Here in the UK to use a vehicle on the road you pay a Tax (Vehicle Excise Duty) Paid every 6 months or yearly. If you no longer plan to use the vehicle on the road you have to register it as off road (SORN) If you do not and despite the vehicle not being in use you are still liable for the tax. This was brought in to stop non payers of the tax. If the vehicle is registered off road and you are caught using it on road the fine is even greater than if you just did not pay the tax.

Next post I will try an actual joke but on the other hand, UK car  tax system this is probably the correct section!

Stuart

Edited April 27, 2017 by twinnshock

[laird387a]

Two businessmen in the centre Hay Street Were sitting down for a break  in their soon-to-be new shop... As  yet, the shop wasn't ready, with  only a few shelves set up.  One said to the other,  "I bet any minute now some old pensioner  is going to walk by,  put their face to the window,  and ask what we're selling." "You know these senior citizens are such nosy parkers" No  sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window,   had a peek,  and in a soft voice asked,   "What are you selling here?"  One  of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling  a***-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,  “Must be doing well then... only two left."

[spen]

 

 

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural northern Minnesota.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence to claim his bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded,

"I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

 

The old farmer replied,

"This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

 

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don't let me retrieve that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes here in northern Minnesota.

We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

 

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

 

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

 

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and, being the person he was, decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

 

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

 

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,

"Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

 

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up.

You can have the duck."

[pa.]

Fact: Dogs can't operate an MRI machine.

Cats can.

[laird387a]

[spen]

Thought for the day. If you vote for Jeremy Corbin of the labour party, You will be voting for a person that made a conscious decision to shag Diane Abbot.

[spen]

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather
dignified well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
fifties...

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
Prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 A visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds And gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, As she was so expensive. There were no discounts.. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
Astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid  Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been
With me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh .."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I
Was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain------


1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by lawyers.

 

 

[spen]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

 

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

 

The man was impressed.

 

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

 

Again, the man is impressed.

 

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she  wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

 

Obviously, the man was impressed.

 

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

 

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

 

 

And on another note ...

 

there is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[pa.]

Racism

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why  did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied,
"Because this is a Motorbike shop."

[laird387a]

At the Barbers.

 

Barak Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same

barber shop, can you just imagine… As they sat there, each being

worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers

were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn nasty. 

 As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his

chair reached for the aftershave.

 

The Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife,

 Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel.”

 

The second barber turned to Barak and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?”

 

Barak replied, "Go right ahead My wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside

of a brothel smells like".

[steveo]

 

At the Barbers.

 

Barak Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same

barber shop, can you just imagine… As they sat there, each being

worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers

were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn nasty. 

 As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his

chair reached for the aftershave.

 

The Donald was quick in saying, "Yes please. after everyday cleaning up the **** from the last president it would be good to go home to my beautiful wife,

 Melania  smelling fresh and clean 

 

The second barber turned to Barak and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?”

 

Barak replied, "No thanks, My wife Michelle uses that brand.

Edited May 26, 2017 by steveo
wording

[laird387a]

THE MISSING WIFE     Husband: My wife Jill is missing. She went shopping yesterdayand has not come home!   Sheriff: Her height?                            Husband:  I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.   Sheriff: Weight ? Husband:  Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.   Sheriff: Colour of eyes ? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.   Sheriff: Colour of hair ?Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.   Sheriff: What was she wearing ? Husband: Er -Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.   Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in ? Husband: She went in MY truck.   Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?   Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.   At this point the husband started choking up.    Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!

[slapshot 3]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,  "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. 

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." 

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again. "With the big tent?" 

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .........

"What the chuff would they want with a plasterer??!"

[spen]

THE VALUE OF A GOOD VOCABULARY

I called an old classmate and asked what he was doing.

He replied that he was: "Working on aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel, under a constrained environment."

I was impressed...

Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.