Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[laird387]

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 

 

 

[pa.]

I went to the timber yard and this guy approached me and said, Do you want decking? so I hit him first.

[laird387]

Since I started mowing the grass in this outfit on Sunday, the neighbours haven't said anything!

 

Before, there was always someone who complained about the noise ...

[atomant]

If you get cold, stand in the corner for a bit as they are usually about 90 degrees

 

Two guys stole a calendar .. they both got 6 months each..

 

This 80 year old guy was sitting by the kerbside and crying his eyes out when this young guy came up to him and said, " Why are you crying?"

 

He said, " I married a young lady and in the morning when we wake up, we have sex.. at 11 am she wants it again, and at 2 pm. 5pm and just before we go to sleep at 10pm too.. "

 

The young guy says, "  Wow, that sounds amazing . so why are you crying? "

 

The old guy says, " Because I've forgotten where I f*****g live " 

Edited May 25, 2016 by atomant

[laird387]

My Travel Plans For 2016

 

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense ! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get !

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country that was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

Please do your part ! My job is done ! Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly !

 

[spen]

An elderly gentleman.... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

 

[spen]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[spen]

A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"
"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"
"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the **** still inside?"

 

[spen]

I've just seen an Asylum seeker at side of the road eating grass.

So I pulled up in the car and said. "Hey! " Don't eat that. Come home with me, mate and I'll feed you."
"The Asylum seeker said " I have 4 wives and 12 kids, can they come too?"
I replied " Oh, come on mate your having a laugh, I've only got a small lawn."

 

[the addict]

I have just been watching the ladies beach volleyball today,and there has already been a bad wrist injury...The doctor says i should be ok by the morning

[spen]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.  'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because

my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said...'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have 

contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

"Well, said the doctor, let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???"

The man seemed a bit ashamed..'I've been working hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.

'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently - "It's Rust."

 

[spen]

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “.

 

[atomant]

[spen]

Chap goes into a live seafood restaurant and is shown to his table.

Waiter wheels out a fish tank of live stock for him to choose from. After a good look he says, "I'll have that squid in the corner, the green one with the moustache".

Waiter wheels the tank to the kitchen & pulls out the green moustached squid, he hands it to his chef, Gervais & says. "Gervais, kill and cook this squid for the man at table 3".

So Gervais takes the squid, pops him on his chopping board and raises the cleaver...... The squid realising his impending doom and looks up, raises his claws and shouts, "No no not me, no not me".

Gervais is overcome with emotion & runs out of the kitchen crying.......

The waiter rushes in and sees the problem.... Then looks to the big guy who does the washing up; Hans, and says, "Hans you will have to do it, kill and cook this squid for the chap at table 3".

So Hans raises the cleaver..... little squid once again raises his claws, and looks up, "No not me no not me" he pleads.....

Hans too, is overcome with emotion....bursts into tears and runs out of the kitchen......

.......And that just goes to prove that,........... Hans that do dishes are as soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lipped squid!

[gizza5]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband, "I must confess, darling, I used to be a hooker."

He says, "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past but, I must admit, I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it."

She replies, "Well, my name was Nigel and I played for Wigan Warriors."