pa. Posted June 14, 2017 Report Share Posted June 14, 2017 When you need to go... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted June 18, 2017 Report Share Posted June 18, 2017 A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387a Posted June 21, 2017 Report Share Posted June 21, 2017 God sat back in his golden throne, talking to Angel Gabriel in a reflective mood......... "I shall create a place on earth that will be known as Scotland," he announced, "It will be the home of stunning mountains, deep valleys with rivers and lochs filled with crystal clear water and abundant salmon rising from the water...the hills will be the home of abundant red deer and golden eagles will soar in the skies above. I shall people it with a thoughtful race who shall be hard-working, innovative, industrious, inventive...they will create a unique product from malted barley mixed with their wondrously clear local waters and ca ll it whisky........ The land will provide them with good supplies of coal and gas and the surrounding seas will be filled with all manner of edible fish..........." "Steady Lord," interjected Gabriel, "surely that wondrous dream is, perhaps, just a little O T T for one lucky race of people?" "True," replied God, "but then I haven't mentionned yet who I'm going to give them for neighbours - but, worse than that, the curse that will be a constant drain on all their opportunities called wee Sturgeon...........!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted June 22, 2017 Report Share Posted June 22, 2017 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted June 29, 2017 Report Share Posted June 29, 2017 Hello! Gordon's pizza? No sir it's Google's pizza. So it's a wrong number? Sorry No sir, Google bought it. OK. Take my order please Well sir, you want the usual?" The usual? You know me? According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizzawith cheeses, sausage, thick crust. OK! This is it ... May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.? What? I hate vegetables. Your cholesterol is not good, sir." How do you know? We crossed the number of your fixed line ☎with your name, through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine ... "Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network. I bought more from another drugstore. It's not showing on your credit card statement I paid in cash But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement I have have other source of cash This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source. WHAT THE HELL? "I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.❤❤❤ Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me "I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 6 weeks ago. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted June 29, 2017 Report Share Posted June 29, 2017 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387a Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Aldi. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted June 30, 2017 Report Share Posted June 30, 2017 Whoa!! This has to be reined in. In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their home cooked burgers. Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are “small amounts” of horse meat in their burgers. Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the internet … “I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I guess Tesco just listened! Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh? Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle. Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5 each way! Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ... I still have a bit between my teeth. A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable. Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn "I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF" Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions. Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots.... "To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian"..... A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?" Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!" I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres. These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit.... Talk about flogging a dead horse! Click Here! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted July 3, 2017 Report Share Posted July 3, 2017 Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Feck dat. Dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!' THERE'S MORE. ... Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!' IT IS NOT OVER YET.... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his feck'n hengliding!' 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted July 6, 2017 Report Share Posted July 6, 2017 Gizza was rushed to hospital the other day with half a dozen toy plastic horses jammed up his backside... Doctors have described his condition as stable. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted July 6, 2017 Report Share Posted July 6, 2017 2 hours ago, slapshot 3 said: Gizza was rushed to hospital the other day with half a dozen toy plastic horses jammed up his backside... Doctors have described his condition as stable. Poor old buggar, hope they don't kick the **** out of him. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted July 6, 2017 Report Share Posted July 6, 2017 2 hours ago, steveo said: Poor old buggar, hope they don't kick the **** out of him. Neigh. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted July 7, 2017 Report Share Posted July 7, 2017 On 7/6/2017 at 5:08 AM, slapshot 3 said: Gizza was rushed to hospital the other day with half a dozen toy plastic horses jammed up his backside... Doctors have described his condition as stable. 23 hours ago, steveo said: Poor old buggar, hope they don't kick the **** out of him. 21 hours ago, pa. said: Neigh. Would you guys stop trying to stirrup trouble? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
billyt Posted July 9, 2017 Report Share Posted July 9, 2017 I am sure they will get the plastic horses out his bottom bit by bit. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted July 9, 2017 Report Share Posted July 9, 2017 always join them, ring side seats available. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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