Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[gizza5]

I just been to Tesco's with the wife,,,and out of the blue she says....

"You really are a lazy Bugger."

Well I nearly fell out of the shopping trolley!!.

[gizza5]

The England team visited an orphanage in France yesterday.

"It's heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope" said Philippe, aged 6.

[laird387]

A Good Hunting Dog

Chester says to Earl "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any 
ducks out in the pond.If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting".
So he sends the dog out to the pond.  The dog comes back and barks twice.

Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there".
 

Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself.
When he gets back he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there!
Where did you get that dog?" 
 

Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him".
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has.
The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.
 

Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg..
 

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder saying "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. 
 

So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started 
humping his leg.
 

The breeder said "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more f****ing ducks out there than you can shake a stick 
at".

 

Edited June 15, 2016 by laird387

[spen]

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

 

[steveo]

Dear Sir,

 

 

Can you answer this benefits question please?

 

 

Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter.

 

 

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter.

 

 

My father eventually married her without my authorization. As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law.

 

 

My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

 

 

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

 

 

My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

 

 

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

 

 

Sincerely yours,

 

 

Mohammed

 

 

*Of course you qualify Mo, I have arranged to start mailing checks to all of you, just as soon as you arrive here in Australia.

 

 

Welcome aboard.

 

 

Bill Shorten

 

 

 

 

 

 

[spen]

An old chap goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution .

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor .
The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your   right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say ,
'99'. 
The old guy obeys and says,
"99".
The doctor says ,   "Great",   now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath   and say ,
'99".
Again, the old guy   says,
'99'." 
The doctor said, "Very good".
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis
to keep it out of the way.
 
Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy begins,
"One...
two..
three."

[pa.]

A Sparky (and#39;Electrician', the Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on his 50th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

 

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, “Congratulations, son... we've been waiting a long time for you.”

 

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Sparky (and#39;Electrician', the Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says, “Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a Sparky, the Royalty of all Trades?”

 

“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. “We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old. God himself wants to see you.”

 

The Sparky (and#39;Electrician', the Royalty of all Trades) is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty.”

 

“That's simply impossible, son,” says Saint Peter, “We've added up all your time sheets.”

[spen]

"Jesus loves you."

A nice thing to hear in church, not so great in a Mexican prison!

[spen]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,

'Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying...

That phrase…In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,

'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots

were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed,

She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked,

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

and exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'

[spen]

BIRTH CONTROL FOR GRANDMA

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list Of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her.

As The young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide As he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control Pills..

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and Patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks .. . .

And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

THE NICE MAN BECAME IMPATIENT

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

BIOLOGY EXAM:

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

THE JEWISH ELBOW

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

.

WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

A RIDE IN THE TAXI

A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.

[spen]

  Student got Zero for this exam....

Q. 1.  In which battle did Napoleon die?

A.  His last battle.

Q. 2.  Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

A.  At the bottom of the page.

Q. 3.  River Ravi flows in which state?

A.  Liquid.

Q. 4.  What is the main reason for divorce?

A.  Marriage.

Q. 5.  What is the main reason for failure?

A.  Exams.

Q. 6.  What can you never eat for breakfast?

A.  Lunch & dinner.

Q. 7.  What looks like half an apple?

A.  The other half.

Q. 8.  If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?

A.  Wet.

Q. 9.  How can a man go eight days without sleeping?

A.  No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q. 10.  How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A.  You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q. 11.  If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?

A...  Very large hands.

Q. 12.  If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

A.  No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q. 13.  How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A.  Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

[laird387]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet, who found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. 
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. 
As she paid, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." 
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."  The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion
for a couple of days." 

 Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." 
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.

[pa.]

There was a spider in our lounge room and I was just about to wack it when my wife said, "Don't kill it, take the spider out!"
So I took it to the club and we had a few beers and then played the pokies.
I really like the spider, he is a good guy and excellent company.
On the way home he told me that his ambition is to be a web designer.

[spen]

There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai,

I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number,

so I could call her to make arrangements.

She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh"


Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!

But then, my friend, who’d been to China before, interpreted it for me and told me

what she really said : 666136429

 

[spen]

You'll all be singing this tomorrow ....

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