Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

During my wife's labour, the midwife came up to us and said, how about Epidural Anesthesia?" I said, "thanks, but we've already picked a name.

 

 

 

 

 

[laird387]

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat...

A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.

Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog.She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.

The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.

She said to the little old lady, "That smells like ****." 

The little old lady said, "It is, I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

Don't mess with old people!

 

[laird387]

LADIES!

[spen]

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. 

The very proper church ladies were appalled. 
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. 

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while. 

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. 

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

[laird387]

 

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP 
 
 DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

 All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits,
short sets. Really, really exciting.
Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip.
It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!
----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

 Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain
today -- seems like a very nice man.
----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

 At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored 
 and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
---------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

 Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with
him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and
champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I
could not be unfaithful to my husband.
----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

 Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at
piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me
several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the
night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way
with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

 Today I saved 2600 lives.... Twice.

 

 

[spen]

The science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework.

And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

[spen]

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Brisbane Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant woman married to a wealthy business man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Gladstone, Queensland.

When the conversation centred on whether they had any children, the Victorian woman started by saying,

“When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from Gladstone commented “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes Benz”.

Again the lady from Gladstone commented, “Well isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the Gladstone lady commented, “Well isn’t that precious?”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Gladstone lady.

“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh my Lord! What on earth for?”

The elderly Gladstone lady responded, “Well as an example.....instead of saying, “Who gives a ****" I learned to say,

“Well, isn’t that precious.....”

[spen]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said,"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like ,but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest

said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." 'I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office.

"You may say two words today".

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably for the best", said the Priest, "You've done fook all but moan since you've been here.."

[spen]

 

The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a pay rise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his salary.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber boots."

[spen]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.

She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother.

'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.

'Mum, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mum, 'I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!'

[spen]

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics just released from Statistics Australia and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, revealing that: 

  

Australian men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

  

This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my mates at the bike club, as none of us had any idea we were Japanese.

 

[floydbassman]

Whats pink and hard in the morning?  The financial times crossword....

[laird387]

Two young northern men were just leaving Kings Cross station during a trip to London when they were approached by a TV crew doing a market research project.

 

The crew were looking for comment on a new local lager brewed in London - " Please try a sample, " said the keen young presenter, offering a tray with plastic cups filed with an amber liquid.

 

The first northerner took the offered cup and had a drink. The presenter held his microphone at the ready..........."It reminds me of a summer's day, on the banks of a beautiful river a young man and his girl relax under the trees, there is warmth in the air and the scent of flowers, they gently kiss then sink into a deeper embrace and make deep satisfying love............"

 

"Yes, yes," eagerly soaking up this wonderful advertising opportunity, and turning to the second northerner offers him a sample plastic cup, "What do you think of our new lager?" he eagerly asks.

 

The second northerner takes a drink, swills it around in his palette and looks thoughtful.  "Well, what do you think?" asked the gullible southern presenter.

 

"Same as my mate," came the reply, "It's f*****ng near water......."

[pa.]

The teenage girl brings her new boyfriend over to meet her folks.
Her mother says hello and asks him his name, and he says, "Christopher Motherf***er C*cksu***r Flanagan."
After a long, uncomfortable silence, the mother says soothingly to him, "Oh - Connie didn't tell us you had Tourette's."
The boy says, "I don't - but the SOB who baptised me, did."

[laird387]

A golf Story

 

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.

So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' 
  
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.  But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'

‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.  Why do you ask?'

‘She just died and left me everything.'