spen Posted September 26, 2016 Report Share Posted September 26, 2016 A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills." Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment. "Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted September 28, 2016 Report Share Posted September 28, 2016 They wanted to check the caliber of the child first. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted September 28, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2016 My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For **** sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!" 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted September 30, 2016 Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 (edited) https://youtu.be/GT3vhcy3XaQ Worth a listen(language)! Edited September 30, 2016 by copemech Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted September 30, 2016 Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 I’ve never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.... For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. " And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either… 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted September 30, 2016 Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 "You'll be fine," the doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery. She asked, "But how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye. The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no-one has ever asked me that before after having their tonsils out." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted September 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted October 1, 2016 Report Share Posted October 1, 2016 ALERT: TRUMP could destroy the local economies Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands and moving elsewhere - showing their outrage with Donald Trump's proposed law of sending illegal immigrants back to their native countries.In the small town of Guadalupe, AZ, south of Phoenix, Manuel Renaldo is one of those who are vowing to punish Arizona by leaving.As he loaded his stolen car with his taxpayer-furnished belongings and family of ten, Renaldo told this reporter through an interpreter: "It's a matter of principle; I refuse to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal!"The effects of the exodus are already being felt by some Arizona retailers, who are reporting dwindling thefts and sales of beer, tequila, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard are the state hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in births and emergency room visits.State welfare agencies are preparing to lay off staffs that distribute food stamps and unemployment benefits. Tattoo parlours are in an absolute state of panic!Renaldo told a reporter, through an interpreter, that he and his family are moving to Canada, with a new Liberal government under Justin Trudeau and new higher taxes, hardworking people will better support him and his family with dignity! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted October 2, 2016 Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 Seems legit. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guys Posted October 3, 2016 Report Share Posted October 3, 2016 ALERT: TRUMP could destroy the local economies Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands and moving elsewhere - showing their outrage with Donald Trump's proposed law of sending illegal immigrants back to their native countries. In the small town of Guadalupe, AZ, south of Phoenix, Manuel Renaldo is one of those who are vowing to punish Arizona by leaving. As he loaded his stolen car with his taxpayer-furnished belongings and family of ten, Renaldo told this reporter through an interpreter: "It's a matter of principle; I refuse to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal!" The effects of the exodus are already being felt by some Arizona retailers, who are reporting dwindling thefts and sales of beer, tequila, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard are the state hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in births and emergency room visits. State welfare agencies are preparing to lay off staffs that distribute food stamps and unemployment benefits. Tattoo parlours are in an absolute state of panic! Renaldo told a reporter, through an interpreter, that he and his family are moving to Canada, with a new Liberal government under Justin Trudeau and new higher taxes, hardworking people will better support him and his family with dignity! Are you talking about this Trump? http://time.com/4465744/donald-trump-undocumented-workers/ 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spen Posted October 5, 2016 Report Share Posted October 5, 2016 Paddy takes an ancient and tatty looking stuffed dog along to the Antiques Roadshow... The presenter asks, "... do you know what that would fetch in good condition"?Paddy replies, "Sticks" 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted October 5, 2016 Report Share Posted October 5, 2016 Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.That brings up a task list In the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'Customer: I don't have a P.Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.Customer: What do you mean?Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 Tech support: How may I help you?Customer: I'm writing my first email.Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 After signing for a new football club, my manager said to me, "In the first game, I'll be pulling you off at half time." I said, "Cheers boss! We used to just get an orange at my last club......." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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