Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[trapezeartist]

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.

[trapezeartist]

I've got to keep this going, just to keep Bullylover happy.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

Is there another word for synonym?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission? 

[bullylover]

Thanks trapezartist. I have noticed I seem to be the only one liking or laughing at these jokes. I don`t care though! If I laugh I`ll put up a smiley face and if I smile I put up a like. Cheers Graham.

[trapezeartist]

Right, I'll be carefully counting the smiles and laughs from now on. Let's see what you think of this lot:

Commentators Gaff's

Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69.

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

[trapezeartist]

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

[trapezeartist]

Hmmm, only a smile for the last one. I must try harder. How about this?

A young couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, 'We 
have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain
from sex for one whole month.' The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-
half weeks returned to the Church.

When the pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and
the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon...Is
there a problem?' the pastor inquired. 'We are terribly ashamed to
admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required
month.' the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what
happened. 'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed 
to it through sheer will-power.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we
managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried
cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our
minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of
paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was
overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and
there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour 
and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted 
the man, shame-facedly. The pastor lowered his head and said sternly,
'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome
at Homebase either. 

[trapezeartist]

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

[trapezeartist]

A young blond Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gun Wharf Quay. As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by.

'You're not thinking of jumping, are you, babe?' he asked.

'Yes, I am' replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge.

'Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what, I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'.

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.

The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to Australia . One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me.'

The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied .... 

... 'He certainly is, love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry. 

[trapezeartist]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. 
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door. 
'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' 
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. 
The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns & whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.' 

 

Come on someone. Help me out. I'm running out and I'll have to start posting the rubbish ones soon.

[normy]

Y G O L O H C Y S P:

That's reverse psychology for you 

[normy]

A bloke walks into a bar with a salmon under his arm.
He says to the barman "Do you serve fish cakes in here"?
The barman replies "No, we dont"
The bloke says "That's a shame, it's his birthday today"

 

Ba dum tish

I'll get me coat

[trapezeartist]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy International Airport in New York. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain announced over the intercom,"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!"
A passenger in Economy yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!" 

[pa.]

The Captain of Flight 293 came back onto the intercom later on during the flight to announce 'I have some good news and some bad new news. First the good news, you are going to be on the Television tonight.'

[zippy]

7 hours ago, pa. said:

The Captain of Flight 293 came back onto the intercom later on during the flight to announce 'I have some good news and some bad new news. First the good news, you are going to be on the Television tonight.'

There  are two types of people in this world:

1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data 

[trapezeartist]

No, there are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.