Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[spen]

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow pat on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading - and the few who learn by observation.

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding ahead of the herd take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta’ the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he start roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometer. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about ageing is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.

Today it's called golf.

[spen]

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door.

I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know.

The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.

Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

THE ACTIONS

Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbour:

THE SECOND MESSAGE

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.

I expect you figured it out anyway, & that you noticed that darned Autocorrect changed 'Wi-Fi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey?

Regards, Alan.

[laird387]

Squirrels

  

The 

Presbyterian

 Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the 

Baptist

 Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Elders met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

 

The 

Anglican

 Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. 

Two weeks later

 the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the 

Catholic

 Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church.  Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the 

Jewish

 Synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. 

            They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since!

 

[laird387]

Once  upon a time ...

The king called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.  The royal weatherman assured him  that there was no chance of rain for at least 4 days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you  should return to the palace!  In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

 

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "Thanks for your concern, but  don't worry. It's not going to rain today. I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

 

So the king continued on his way.  However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful  condition.

 

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the  professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious  and high paying role of royal forecaster.

 

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I  obtained the information about rain today from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means  with certainty that it will rain  very soon."  So the king hired the donkey instead.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and  occupy its highest and most influential positions.

 

The practice is unbroken to this day...

[laird387]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said,

"You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ...

"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"


The swelling in his eye is going down 

[spen]

At a wedding ceremony the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.  It was their time to

stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

 

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.  She stood up and started walking slowly towards the minister.

 

Everything quickly turned to chaos.

 

 

The bride threw the bouquet and burst out crying.

 

 

Then slowly the

 

groom's mother fainted.

 

 

The Best Men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

 

The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you

 

have to say?"

    

 

There was absolute silence in the church.

 

 

 

 

The woman replied

,

 "We can't hear at the back."

 

[guys]

A LETTER TO THE US 

 

FROM JOHN CLEESE :



 

 

http://cogink.com/cleese/

[laird387]

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer:                  'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

[the addict]

I visited a new themed restaurant last night called Hot Chocolate, after the Seventies pop group. The menu was amazing, "It started with a quiche".

[spen]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

Walk into a very fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai”

[spen]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. “Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients”.“Yes, sir!” answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: “So, Murphy, how was your day?”

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.”

“Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the doctor.

“The second one had indigestion so he did and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir.” says Murphy.

“Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!' “

“Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?” asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.”

[the addict]

I see Viagra have a new product line,..... eye drops,.... won't give you an erection, but it makes you look hard. 

[the addict]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the Doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little Angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the Doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him Pancakes. Pancakes are the new wonder food for small penises. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a rather large stack of warm Pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "All for Me" ..???

"Just take Two," Brenda replied. "The Rest are for your Father."

 

[the addict]

A man & wife are in bed.

He farts & shouts ''Goal.''

His wife farts & shouts ''One all.''

When the score gets to two all,the man strains so hard he ****s the bed.

His wife says ''What the hell was that?''

''Half time - swap sides

 

[the addict]

When I was in the Pub last night.

I overheard a couple of Dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on a Aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman..!

What a pair of Sexist Twats.

I mean, it's not as if she'd have to Reverse the ****ing thing, is it..???