Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[spen]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.

 

It's after midnight.  While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness because the man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.  For $100, the cabby agrees.

 

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.  The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with a man.  The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

 

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

• HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
• HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat .

HE paid for your Football season tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.

HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

 

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

 

[spen]

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne

too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a

special day for me. I'm celebrating.'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they

clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child

and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken

farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all

laying eggs again.'

'That's great!'

said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'What a coincidence!'

[spen]

At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff , a husband and wife were staring at a

portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park

bench.

Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink

willy.

The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble

interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment and

interpretation.

He went on, for over half an hour, explaining how it depicted the sexual

emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal

society.

'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willy

also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay

men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said, 'Would

you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the

gallery?' Asked the couple.

'Because I'm the bloke who painted the picture,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three

Welsh coal miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch!'

[the addict]

I asked my friend, "What part of America is your wife from?" He said, "Alaska" I said, "I thought you'd know"...

[the addict]

Woman weightlifter goes to the doctor and says“I’ve been taking steroids, and now I’ve grown a c0ck”

“Anabolic” says the doctor

“No” she replies “Just a c0ck

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 1, 2016 by the addict

[the addict]

Paddy set Murphy up on a blind date. Paddy says "she's a lovely girl but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby".
Next day Paddy asked Murphy how he went on.
"Alright" said Murphy, "apart from she was an hour late and I felt a right **** sat at the end of the bar in just a nappy"

[laird387]

Remember - the 'aitch' is silent - like the 'pee' in bath............

[gizza5]

Just had a medical.

The doctor said "Don't eat anything fatty"

I said "Like bacon and burgers?"

.

.

He said "No fatty, don't eat anything!!!"

[the addict]

40 Scousers arrive at the Pearly Gates. St.Peter consults with God and says to them, "We've only got room for 12 of you so you'll have to decide amongst yourselves who comes into the house of the lord." 5 minutes later St.Peter says to God, "I don't believe it, they've gone!" God says, "What, all 40 of them?" St.Peter says, "No, the ****ing gates!"

[spen]

From the Rotherham Bugle.....

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her a*** to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;

“I’m still in agony,” she said, “And Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers....“ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an a*** inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”

[spen]

A homeowner in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on her roof.

She looks in the yellow pages and finds an ad for "Alberta Bear Remover."

So she calls the number and a man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun and a mean looking pit bull dog.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I'm going to go up and I'll knock the bear off the roof

with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

The bear will become subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[spen]

A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Goan f*ck yourself!”

The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”

DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.”

DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Smee again! Goan f*ck yourself!”

[michael_t]

This is a conversation between a man & his wife. Please note that she asks 5 or 6 questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is

speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there; I'm just saying......

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:

Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:

How many beers a day?

Man:

Usually about 3

Woman:

How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:

And how long have you been drinking?

Man:

About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:

So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately

$5400.00 correct?

Man:

Correct

Woman:

If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?

Man:

Correct

Woman:

Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting

for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:

Do you drink beer?

Woman:

No.

Man:

Where's your Ferrari?

[the addict]

Gizza told me this one.

 

God created Adam and said, "I have given you everything you could ever want. Is there anything else you would like?"
Adam replied, "I would like a sandwich,"
to which God then created Eve.

[laird387]

 

1.  I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

 2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop p****** me off.

4. My people skills are fine.  It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”.

6. When I was a child I thought naptime was punishment.  Now it’s like a mini vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

9. Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

10.  “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering why I’m there

 

Edited December 10, 2016 by laird387