Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[laird387]

11.              The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

12.             The older I get, the better I was.

13.             Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

14.             Everything I can’t find is in a totally secure place.

15.             Age is strictly a case of mind over matter.  If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

16.             I have an impressive bank of knowledge.  But I can’t remember the password to my account.

17.             Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.

18.             If you think there’s good in everybody, then you haven’t met everybody.

19.             If you can’t say something nice…you’ve come to the right place.

20.            No one is ever old enough to know better.

[spen]

A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman,

Mrs Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital,

saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

 

 

A hospital spokesman replied:

 

"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery.

All we did was correct his eyesight."

 

 

[laird387]

                                                 FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE

 

 

The Teacher asked young Patrick

 

Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?"

 

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Miss Jones, me and my

twelve brothers and sisters go to 

midnight

 mass and we sing hymns;

then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the

back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go

to bed and wait for Father Christmas

to come with all our toys."

 

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy

Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

 

"Well, Miss Jones, me and my sister also go to church

with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we

get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the

chimney and we hang up our stockings. We

hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our

presents."

 

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not

wanting to leave him out of the discussion,

she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at

Christmas?"

 

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year .

. . Dad comes home from the office, we all pile

into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy

factory. When we get inside, we look at all the

empty shelves . . . and begin to sing: 'What A Friend We

Have in Jesus'.  Then we all go to the

Bahamas." 

 

 

[laird387]

A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow  24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.  So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320
Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the National Game on the same card. You must be the luckiest ******* on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.

'Blimey,' says the bingo caller.  'You've won the meat raffle as well!!!

[gizza5]

One for Andy and Donald?

Twin sisters in a Liverpool Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of the Toxteth Evening newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin,

"WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!"

said the other.

"Now get a little closer together,"

said the cameraman.

Again,

"WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little,"

said the photographer.

Same again,

"WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out,

"Good God!

BOTH OF US????"

[the addict]

Had to take the dog to the vets this morning after he ate the Christmas tree lights, when the vet looked at him and said he would be alright his little face lit up

Edited December 17, 2016 by the addict

[gizza5]

The three wise men arrive to visit the infant lying in the manger...bearing gifts of gold...Incense...and myrrh.

One of the wise men...who is very tall...accidentally bumps his head on the low doorway as he leaves the stable.

"Jesus Christ!"...he exclaims.

Joseph says..."Write that down...Mary..

It's better than Justin

[the addict]

Out with the lads from OCD Anonymous tonight. Things aren't going to get messy

[spen]

....

[laird387]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

  

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

   

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

   

"And you can talk!"

Exclaims the barman.

   

"I see your ears are working, too," 

Says the duck. 

 

 

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

   

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

 

 

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

 

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. 

 

 

"I'm a plasterer."

   

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

   

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

   

The same thing happens for two weeks.

 

Then one day the circus comes to town.

   

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

 

 

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

   

"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 

"Get him to give me a call."

   

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

   

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck."Where is it?"

 

"At the circus,"Says the barman.

   

"The circus?"Repeats the duck.

   

"That's right,"Replies the barman.

   

"The circus?" The duck asks again,  "with the big tent?" 

   

"Yeah," the barman replies.

   

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

   

"Of course," the barman replies.

   

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

   

"That's right!" says the barman.

 

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ....... .

 

"What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!"

Edited December 23, 2016 by laird387

[spen]

A biker is riding by the zoo in London when he sees a little girl

leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar

of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes

of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Honda, runs to the cage and hits the lion square

on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps

back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified

parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Honda

rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a

man do in my whole life.' The Honda rider replies, Why, it was nothing,

really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger,

and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a

journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the

front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political

affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies "I'm a Royal Marine, and a Conservative." The journalist

leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings

news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

ROYAL MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!.....

Edited December 24, 2016 by spen

[guys]

[spen]

The police came to my house last night

They showed me a picture and asked "Is this your wife, Sir?"

"Yes", I replied

Then they said "I am afraid it looks like she has been hit by a bus"

I said -"I know but she's good with the kids and the cats like her"

[the addict]

[copemech]

We here need more football like this