Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[tony27]

One for Tony27:

a bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand & orders a shandy

all the kiwis sitting around the bar look up expecting to see another ozzie vistor

the bartender says,"you aint from around here are ya?"

the bloke replies,"no,i'm from Canada"

the bartender says,"Canada!,do you do in Canada?"

the guy says,"i'm a taxidermist"

the bartenders says,"tixidermist!,what the hick is a tixidermist?,do you drive a tixi?"

"no" says the Canadian,"a taxidermist dosen't drive a taxi,he mounts animals!"

the bartender grins & yells out!

"he's ok boys,he's one of us!!"

Oh how quickly he's become a aussie , guess it'll be the US once they work out you're a saffie Tim

Merry Christmas to you & hopefully you get as much riding in as me over the next couple of weeks

[toofasttim]

Oh how quickly he's become a aussie , guess it'll be the US once they work out you're a saffie Tim

Merry Christmas to you & hopefully you get as much riding in as me over the next couple of weeks

You hanging with Kev, Andrew & Pete then? Good excercise.

And to you and yours Tony,merry christmas and a prosperous new year.

Thanks Copey (I assume) Dunno what I am anymore

Edited December 23, 2009 by TooFastTim

[ham2]

Merry Xmas trials people

[toofasttim]

And to you Wayne and all the rest of you. Merry xmas.

[bigfoot]

OK here it is. I missed it the first time and can't really see why it was deleted. Andy or Donald may see something in it that I don't and delete it again. If so it will stay deleted.

ITS after 9pm but I'll remove if Andy wants first thing tomorrow

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folk DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'

(Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: 'Up the a***.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.

Apparantly there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions

[toofasttim]

Right that's it. No free beer for you in Fort Bill

Merry xmas John and to Caroline, Ewan & Brodie (sp?) form sunny Sydney.

[bigfoot]

Right that's it. No free beer for you in Fort Bill

Merry xmas John and to Caroline, Ewan & Brodie (sp?) form sunny Sydney.

There's never been free beer for me in Fort Bill. Andy always stands his hand but so do I think it all works out fair in the end.

A merry xmas to all of you too. from snowy Scotland.

[baldilocks]

Cheers bigfoot

Merry xmas to all

[copemech]

Gawd, I did still nearput beer through the nostrils on that one!

Good one!

[copemech]

You hanging with Kev, Andrew & Pete then? Good excercise.

And to you and yours Tony,merry christmas and a prosperous new year.

Thanks Copey (I assume) Dunno what I am anymore

Umm, my mistake here, as I honestly had you mentally displaced in NZ, my bad! Now you can shame me !

[slapshot 3]

2 Cold Street

North Pole, Canada

H0H 0H0

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from "The Twelve Days of Christmas", but we've had some issues.

The twelve fiddling fiddlers have all come down with the clap from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming.

The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my butt in bird crap.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and to top it all off the ****ing PC Brigade have re-scheduled Christmas for the 5th of February.

Sincerely,

Santa

[tony27]

You hanging with Kev, Andrew & Pete then? Good excercise.

And to you and yours Tony,merry christmas and a prosperous new year.

Thanks Copey (I assume) Dunno what I am anymore

No Tim haven't owned a Gasser this century so no invite, will be riding with some of the Ixion boys up behind the Kapiti coast with any luck

Off to the annual boxing day street races in Wanganui in the morning & hopefully during the week will get a few 6-8 hour rides in

[gizza5]

How many ''Trials Central'' memebers does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

............about right

[gizza5]

The Honeymoon

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make,I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. To find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[zippy]

Gizza5,

about that light bulb post:

Ya nailed it perfectly