Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[zippy]

Apparently I have a liquor store, just didn't know it.

[spen]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. 
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. 

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, 
and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. 
What a day! 

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. 

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. 

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. 

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. 

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's. 
What a fabulous adventure! 
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. 
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?' 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 
'I meant my dress size !!!!' 

[spen]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. 

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

[spen]

An elderly couple were watching a 'Discovery Channel' special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black".
 

[pa.]

Have to do something while the missus gets dinner ready.

 

[spen]

 

 

Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.

After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

 

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

 

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up.

 

He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."

 

"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".

 

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."

O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

 

"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."

O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."

"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

 

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".

 

"I will never use this bar again".

 

"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1

[spen]

God wakes Noah up and says to him: 'Noah, I want you to build another boat, with several different levels, it must be watertight to carry fish.'

Noah asks: 'What is it to be called?'

God replies: 'A multi storey carp ark'.

[copemech]

Still looks good, but I'll betcha she still drops half a load in her sweater!

 

 

[spen]

COUPLES AND OTHERS .....

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. 
He thought he was God, and I didn't. 
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------- 

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. 

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------- 
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8. 
Worn once by mistake. 
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------- 
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage. 
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women? 
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but
when they go, they take your house and car.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------- 
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed way too qualified for the job. 
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've
been divorced three times." 
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------- 

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. 
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me
the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, 
"I now pronounce you man and wife." 

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------- 

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. 
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" 

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? 

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes." 
They were seated immediately.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------- 

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. 
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 

------------------------------ ------------------------------ --- ---------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" 
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." 

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." 

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!" 

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------- 
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. 

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" 
The Lord replies, "A minute." 
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" 
The Lord replies, "A penny." 
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" 
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?" 
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" 

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------- 

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 
"Give me one last request, dear," he said. 
"Of course, John," his wife said softly. 
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." 
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said. 
With his last breath John said, "I do!" 

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------- 
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." 
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" 
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." 
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" 
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" 
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." 
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. 
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 
"Take the poison."

[laird387a]

The grumpy Navy Master Chief saw a new face and shouted at him, “Come here! What’s your name, sailor?”

“James,” the new seaman answered.

“Listen carefully sailor, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It's their last names only; Carter,Davidson,Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”

“Now,what’s your last name?”

The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief.”

“Okay,James, here’s what I want you to do…

[spen]

 
 

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________ _
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________ ___
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________ ________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[pa.]

I have to say that I REALLY don't believe in labeling people,. . . nor putting them in various boxes.

Which is why I recently lost my job at the mortuary . . .

[copemech]

Went to the sporting store today, picked up some new sex toys!

[trapezeartist]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you this, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said and I decided you were right, I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

[laird387a]

Dwayne feels really sick and calls to work and says, “Hi, Mr. Harper, I am sorry but I can not come to the work today, I feel really sick. I've got a headache, stomach ache and my back hurts. I will try to come tomorrow.”

The boss says, “You know Dwayne, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You must try.”

Two hours later Dwayne calls again: “Mr. Harper, I did what you said and I feel great now. I will be at work soon. By the way, your house is really nice.”