slapshot 3 Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 I think Donald has altered the story slightly?? as his wife doesn't have a sister just a little brother Worse.... she has two sisters Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 Wallace and Grommit on steroids????...No wonder those riders are giving it the speedway-hang-out technique.....imagine one of those flipping on you?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 Kenny the Rooster's rousing 2009 send off... Guy goes into MacDonalds and orders a big mac, fries and a drink. The assistant is a staggeringly beautiful young woman. She asks the customer if she can make it large for another 30p. He says: You already have made it large honey.... how much extra for a s***? ------------------------------------------------------------ A young policewoman was out in the cold weather gathering evidence and she wished she'd put her thermal underwear on. Her colleague advised her to let the police alsatian sniff her lady bits, and the highly trained dog would run off back to the station and fetch her warm panties. After an hour the dog came bounding back to the lady police officer with a truncheon and the desk sergeant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 Kenny the Rooster's rousing 2009 send off... Guy goes into MacDonalds and orders a big mac, fries and a drink. The assistant is a staggeringly beautiful young woman. She asks the customer if she can make it large for another 30p. He says: You already have made it large honey.... how much extra for a s***? ------------------------------------------------------------ A young policewoman was out in the cold weather gathering evidence and she wished she'd put her thermal underwear on. Her colleague advised her to let the police alsatian sniff her lady bits, and the highly trained dog would run off back to the station and fetch her warm panties. After an hour the dog came bounding back to the lady police officer with a truncheon and the desk sergeant. Lets hope they get better than that for 2010 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 2, 2010 Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 Wallace and Grommit on steroids????...No wonder those riders are giving it the speedway-hang-out technique.....imagine one of those flipping on you?? Just for you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 Lets hope they get better than that for 2010 Teacher asks the class of seven year olds who can come up with a sentence with the word fascinate. A little girl says she went to the zoo and was fascinated by the animals. The teacher thanks her and says its not quite the word she was looking for. A liitle boy says he finds science programmes on the tv fascinating. The teacher thanks him and says its not quite the word she's looking for. Little Ebenezer at the back of the class puts his hand up and says My sister has twelve buttons on her blouse but because she has enormous knockers she can only fasten eight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thespikeyone Posted January 3, 2010 Report Share Posted January 3, 2010 My sister has twelve buttons on her blouse but because she has enormous knockers she can only fasten eight. I like the sound of his sister, you got her number?????? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted January 4, 2010 Report Share Posted January 4, 2010 (edited) Just for you I am not quite sure about all this and your relatioship with the friggin dog, yet I hope he p****s on your pink carpet! Did your wife make you put that throughout the house or was that yours? Edited January 4, 2010 by copemech Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 4, 2010 Report Share Posted January 4, 2010 So - you think you can ride a bike ? Eh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted January 5, 2010 Report Share Posted January 5, 2010 I normally refrain from posting up jokes sent to me from another member, yet in this case I will! Seems most like a good Frog joke anyway! JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaule decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaule said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible. Rusk responded, "does that include those who are buried here?" DeGaule did not respond. You could have heard a pin drop. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?" You could have heard a pin drop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?" Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German." You could have heard a pin drop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE... Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr.. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to." You could have heard a pin drop.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2010 Deaf bookkeeper A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court if anything went wrong ! When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million he embezzled from me is.' The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.' The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.' The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again !' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!' The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !' The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?' The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger !! ' Don't you just love lawyers? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted January 7, 2010 Report Share Posted January 7, 2010 Now someone please tell me why I must press One for English! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted January 9, 2010 Report Share Posted January 9, 2010 On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? 'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 9, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2010 Just taking my Xmas lights down for this year and realised I wasnt sure or not if they had offended my Muslim neighbours.So just to be on the safe side I've painted 'Allah is a ****' on my garage door!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted January 9, 2010 Report Share Posted January 9, 2010 Man goes to pick up his wife from hospital when he's confronted by the doctor Doctor says 'Have some bad news, your wifes terminal but we don't know whether its aids or alzheimer's, the tests seem to be inaccurate' Man says 'Oh my god what do I do then?' Doctor 'Take her in the car and drop her off 4 miles away from home' Man 'Whats that going to prove?' Doctor 'If she comes home, don't S**g her!!' ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wife needs to loose some weight, so I told her to jog 3 miles a day? Hopefully by the end of the week she will be 21 miles away Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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