copemech Posted January 18, 2010 Report Share Posted January 18, 2010 cos less battery power = less vibration therefore more manual input required to achieve climax!!!!!it's basic maths RAF boys at it again! Next will be the hand cranked emergency generator! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted January 18, 2010 Report Share Posted January 18, 2010 The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and p*** all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted January 18, 2010 Report Share Posted January 18, 2010 (edited) Original Portable Chair. Edited January 18, 2010 by ZIPPY Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted January 18, 2010 Report Share Posted January 18, 2010 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead? Piezoelectric cell? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted January 18, 2010 Report Share Posted January 18, 2010 Old one but good................................ An American journalist decided to write a book about famous churches around the world, so he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Rome . On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. Intrigued by this, the American asked a nearby priest what the telephone was for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk direct to God. The American thanked the priest and went on his way. Next stop was in Moscow . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Rome , and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the American. He then travelled to France , Israel , Germany and Brazil . In every Church he saw the same golden telephone with a '$10,000 per call' sign under it. The American finally decided to travel to the UK to see if the British had the same phone. He arrived in Yorkshire and, again, in York Minster, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '20p per call'. Surprised at this, the American asked a passing Bishop. 'Excuse me, Father, but I've travelled all over world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but everywhere the price is $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?' The priest smiled wryly and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now lad - it's only a local call.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted January 18, 2010 Report Share Posted January 18, 2010 A couple more fom the old archives..................... Why do women get married in White? Because it is the same colour as the Dishwasher, Washing Machine and Fridge ---------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have short feet? So they can stand closer to the sink ---------------------------------------------------------------- I await my slating from HL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 18, 2010 Report Share Posted January 18, 2010 cos less battery power = less vibration therefore more manual input required to achieve climax!!!!!it's basic maths Never argue with an expert ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thespikeyone Posted January 18, 2010 Report Share Posted January 18, 2010 Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women? A: Opposites attract ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?" His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ He said... Want a quickie? She said... As opposed to what? He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said... You wear briefs, don't you? He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money. He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig! She said... No problem, I'll get you some that is. She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money. He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said... I would, but you're never there. He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said... That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart. He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat *******. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 18, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2010 He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?She said... That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart. He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat *******. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 18, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2010 (edited) Right then, terrible disaster in Haiti as we all know, and plenty of jokes going around, I'm going to do this one as out of all them it was'nt too bad, this isnt an invitation for them though, lets get this one out the way and that'll be that. Good luck to the Country and people in the future Searching for survivors after the earthquake in Haiti, rescuers hear a faint noise coming from a pile of rubble, a frail pakistani voice says, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . " dont go, " . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."we still open!" Edited January 18, 2010 by The Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houseape1000 Posted January 18, 2010 Report Share Posted January 18, 2010 Right then, terrible disaster in Haiti as we all know, and plenty of jokes going around, I'm going to do this one as out of all them it was'nt too bad, this isnt an invitation for them though, lets get this one out the way and that'll be that.Good luck to the Country and people in the future Searching for survivors after the earthquake in Haiti, rescuers hear a faint noise coming from a pile of rubble, a frail pakistani voice says, . " dont go, " . ."we still open!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted January 19, 2010 Report Share Posted January 19, 2010 blokes go on a hunting trip. Their tents only have room for two men in each. No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns. The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot. His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?' He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.' The next night it was a different bloke's turn. The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot. His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!' He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.' The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man's man. The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. 'Good morning,' he says cheerfully. His mates can't believe it. They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?' Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night." "Then he sat up and watched me all night. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted January 19, 2010 Report Share Posted January 19, 2010 This is bad but 'Kenny' goes on..................................... Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.' A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted' Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Kristian?' he asked. 'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.' Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.' Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..'......... 'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted January 19, 2010 Report Share Posted January 19, 2010 (edited) Some more.......... I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits. When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch. A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her bl**dy appendix out!" I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a sh*t." A man goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me" "Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy buggar and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!!" I passed a man driving an RAC van tonight, he was sobbing uncontrollably and as misarable as sin - I thought to myself, that mans heading for a breakdown Edited January 19, 2010 by GIZZA5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 19, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2010 A teacher was trying to get little Johnny to say the word DEFINITELY in a sentence. Little Johnny says "Do farts have lumps in them?" The teacher answers "Of course not Johnny!" To which little Johnny replies "Well I've DEFINITELY **** myself then!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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