pete_scorpa3 Posted January 19, 2010 Report Share Posted January 19, 2010 A teacher was trying to get little Johnny to say the word DEFINITELY in a sentence.Little Johnny says "Do farts have lumps in them?" The teacher answers "Of course not Johnny!" To which little Johnny replies "Well I've DEFINITELY **** myself then!" Thats one for a dinner party! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted January 20, 2010 Report Share Posted January 20, 2010 Ive now put a link on my desktop to this thread and look at it everyday when I come to work.. Bloody hilarious ! sets me up for the day Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted January 20, 2010 Report Share Posted January 20, 2010 Daffy Duck, away on a dirty weekend, calls hotel reception and asks for a condom. The receptionist replies, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted January 20, 2010 Report Share Posted January 20, 2010 Husband says to wife - "Do you fancy playing a rape game ? " Wife says " NO WAY" Husband replies : "Thats the spirit " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted January 20, 2010 Report Share Posted January 20, 2010 (edited) Right then, terrible disaster in Haiti as we all know, and plenty of jokes going around, I'm going to do this one as out of all them it was'nt too bad, this isnt an invitation for them though, lets get this one out the way and that'll be that.Good luck to the Country and people in the future Searching for survivors after the earthquake in Haiti, rescuers hear a faint noise coming from a pile of rubble, a frail pakistani voice says, . " dont go, " . . ."we still open!" While agreeing and acknowledging my learned friend's Justin's comments I can't not add this one....... I can understand how the Haitians feel ......... following 30 Aftershocks i can't find my house either. Edited January 20, 2010 by Slapshot 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted January 20, 2010 Report Share Posted January 20, 2010 I phoned the shop no answer? His phone must have been on vibrate !!!! You started Justin so we blame you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigfoot Posted January 20, 2010 Report Share Posted January 20, 2010 Keep them coming guys, Kenny is a legend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2010 (edited) Shame on you lads, anyway here's one Gizza text me last night Two plane loads of volunteers from Liverpool have left the John Lennon airport today on their way to Haiti to assist with the Looting Edited January 20, 2010 by The Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted January 20, 2010 Report Share Posted January 20, 2010 no more Haiti ones yet.....but!! 2 women called at my door & asked me what bread I ate. I said,"white". They then lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for the next 30mins! Feckin Hovis Witnesses! ------------------------------- Doorbell rings, I answer it and the bloke says, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" "Feck!!" I said to the wife, "That's all we need, a Je-hoover's witness". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2010 no more Haiti ones yet.....but!!2 women called at my door & asked me what bread I ate. I said,"white". They then lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for the next 30mins! Feckin Hovis Witnesses! ------------------------------- Doorbell rings, I answer it and the bloke says, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" "Feck!!" I said to the wife, "That's all we need, a Je-hoover's witness". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted January 20, 2010 Report Share Posted January 20, 2010 Doorbell rings, I answer it and the bloke says,"Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" "Feck!!" I said to the wife, "That's all we need, a Je-hoover's witness". Women are like carpets? You never have any problems if you ''Lay em right first time'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2010 Natal Curry Contest If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. For any of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge 3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CURRY 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY... Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. CURRY 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY... Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang. Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CURRY 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY... Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick. Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers. Judge 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting p*ssed from all the beer. CURRY 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY. Judge 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry. Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac? CURRY 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement. Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Scr*w them. CURRY 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY... Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to sh*t myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore I need to wipe my ar*e with a snow cone ice-cream. CURRY 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY... Judge 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably). Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Scr*w it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CURRY 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY... Judge 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry? Judge 3 - No Report Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charlie prescott Posted January 20, 2010 Report Share Posted January 20, 2010 Hi Guy's. Brilliant "A", Has taken me a while to type this ,as I still can't see through the tears, made my day ! Brilliant again. Trouble is I will now be up all night with indigestion and Ive run out of Gaviscon,Just have to dial 999 and ask for the fire man I spose. Regards Charlie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pete_scorpa3 Posted January 21, 2010 Report Share Posted January 21, 2010 I'm having to print these off so that I can remember them later keep them coming chaps! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted January 21, 2010 Report Share Posted January 21, 2010 (edited) I heard that Jonathan Ross is leaving the BBC! .. I wonder what Andy and his 3 mates are going to do with the piano ? (you deserved that one matey!) Edited January 21, 2010 by AtomAnt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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