the addict Posted January 22, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2010 "So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady. "I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards." Paddy and Seamus landed themselves a job at the local sawmill. Just before morning tea Paddy yelped, "Seamus, I've lost me bleedin finger!!!" "Have you now?" says Seamus, "And how did you do it?" "Well, I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...God damn it, there goes another one!!!" Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin up the country road in near darkness, "Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!" "Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?" "No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'" How is it that we know Christ was Irish? Well, he was 33, still lived at home with his Mother, whom he thought was still a virgin and she thought he was the son of God. Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? A: Cos they're always a little short A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65." "This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?," he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy Posted January 23, 2010 Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 I've come across a 148 page Word document I compiled from years of subscribing to the newsgroup alt.tasteless.humor and various other joke newsgroups back before the Web was invented and newsgroups were about all we had. Most of it couldn't be published here, but scanning back there are some I can (just!) Q: What is the definition of wicker box? A: What Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A: A dog that rips your leg off then runs for help. ----------------------------------------------------------- You know you're having a bad day when the town nymphomaniac tells you she likes you, but just as a friend. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you make five pounds of fat attractive? A: Put a nipple on it. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't women fart? A: Their mouths are never shut long enough to build up any pressure. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the definition of making love? A: It is what a woman does when a man is ******* her. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you know when your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up. ----------------------------------------------------------- A man meets an attractive woman in a bar, they start talking, and eventually he winds up going over to her place. One thing leads to another, and they have sex. After their "one night stand" concludes, the woman gets out of bed, wanders over to the bathroom, and starts brushing her teeth. Five minutes pass, ten minutes pass; after about 15 minutes, she finally opens the bathroom door. The guy looks at her and says, "Hmmmm, I bet that you're a dentist." "Wow! That's true... how did you know that?" "You spent over 15 minutes in the bathroom brushing your teeth. Only someone like a dentist would do that." "You know," she said, "I can tell what you do too... you've got to be an anaesthetist." The man was shocked: "Geez, you're right! How the hell did you figure that out?" "Well," she replied, "While we were having sex, I didn't feel a thing, and before I knew it, the whole thing was over." ------------------------------------------------------ A young footballer plays in the amateur league for a while then gets signed up by West Ham. The manager says to him, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy Posted January 23, 2010 Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 Mom was driving in the country with Junior when she hears from the back seat "Look Mom, a Moo Moo." Mom tells Junior "You are seven years old now, you should call things by their proper names. It's not a 'Moo Moo', it's a Cow". Things a quiet for a few minutes, when again from the back seat Mom hears "Look Mom, a Baa Baa." Mom is a little miffed and replies "Junior, I told you earlier that I want you call things by their proper name. It's not a 'Baa Baa, that is a sheep". Again, things are quite for a while. Mom feels a bit guilty and to make amends, asks Junior what he is doing. Junior replies "I'm just reading a book, Mom". "Really, what's it called?" "Winnie the ****". ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copey comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a hurricane. He loop-legs through the door and is met by Mrs Copey , who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones. "Where the hell you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden." "Bull****! There's no such place!" Copey says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!" Mrs. Copey still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old man's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then Mrs. Copey hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that p****d in your saxophone last night!" (sorry Mark!) --------------------------------------------------------------------- There's this prostitute and she's blind. She knows her own street so well that she doesn't need her white stick. While on her street she gets run over by a car. The driver runs out and says "Are you all right?" The hooker says "I'm blind, I'm blind!" "No, you're not," the driver says "How many fingers am I holding up?" The prostitute says "****, I'm paralysed!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What have fat girls & mopeds got in common? A: They're fun to ride until your mates see you! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple decided to move, along with their five year old son, to a nudist colony. After only a couple days residence there, the little boy came inside and asked his mother, "Mom, why do some women have bigger breasts than others?" "Well," responded the small chested mother, "the bigger the women's breasts are, the more stupid the woman is." A couple hours later the child returns with the question, "Mom, why do some men have bigger pee-pees than others?" "The same reason," answered the mother, "the larger they are the dumber they are." A short time later the boy rushed in and shouted, "Mom, you gotta save Dad. He is outside talking to this really, really stupid woman and he is getting dumber all the time!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mum and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap? "Why sure you can," her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" "A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog." The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?" Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted January 23, 2010 Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door." --------------------------------------- Justin was today barred from B&Q shops in the south of England. As he entered the store in Portsmouth the man on the door greeted him by asking if he wanted decking. Luckily Justin got the first punch in. --------------------------------------------- Little Johnny is in class.and the teacher says "If you can give me a quote and tell me who said it, you can go home before the bell rings" Jonny puts his hand in the air but is beaten to it by mary, who says, "I have a dream - martin Luther King" "Well done Mary, you can go. Anyone else?" asks the teacher Jonny flings his hand in the air again but sheila is faster. She says: "If music be the food of love, play on - William Shakespeare" "Excellent" says the teacher, "Off you go" Once again, he's beaten by another girl who says: "Imagination is more important than intelligence - Albert Einstein" "Lovely Kate, get your coat" the teacher says. Jonny shoves both hands in the air and shouts, "I wish these bitches would shut the f**k up - Tiger Woods - see you tomorrow!" ------------------------------------------- I sh@gged a bird with that brittle-bone disease the other night........... She was a right little cracker................ ------------------------------------------ A business man is on a first vist to Japan, he sees the rows of asian ladies soldering the componants on to the circuit boards. Wanting to appear as a knowlegeable guy , he goes up to one worker and asks ''What do you use for flux?' The girl is quick to answer and flashing him a smile says '' Condoms Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted January 23, 2010 Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 (edited) six truths of life1, you cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue! 2, All idiots after reading the 1st truth will try it !! 3,And discover the 1st truth is a lie. 4, Your smiling now bcos your an idiot. 5, You will soon show this to another idiot so your not alone. 6, there's still a silly grin on your face, F***** idiot After work, I'm sitting there gigling after touching all me teeth, told mate Joe to come over, read him the first line, look up, he just stands there! Rest was not funny! Seems you and Andy are taking "it" today! Edited January 23, 2010 by copemech Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 Some great ones there lads nice to see Andy coming on board with a whole load Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted January 23, 2010 Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 Ok to keep HL happy and the other female TC users here's one for you, only one mind normal procedure resumes under this post..................... In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward.. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rezurect Posted January 23, 2010 Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 Irishman takes his goldfish to the vets. He tell the vet that he thinks his goldfish has epilepsy...... vet says 'Looks fine to me' Paddy says ' You should see him when i take him out of the bowl......' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy turns up in a dentist surgery and says ' I need help i think im a moth' The dentist says ' I am afraid i cant help you what you need is a doctor' 'I know' says the man The dentist says ' Well why did you come here?' ' Because the light was on' says the man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted January 23, 2010 Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 *****WARNING***TC***JOKE POLICE****** More repeat infringements have been perpetrated....you out there? ..you know who you are!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy Posted January 23, 2010 Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 Jack & Jill both worked for this large multi national corporation. The President of this company said to one of his managers that he needs to lay off one of his employees. The manager replies that he hired both Jack and Jill at the same time and they were the last to be hired so doesn't know who to lay off. The president says go make an executive decision. The Manager approaches Jill and says I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off. Jill replies Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 An elderly couple decide to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort.After waking the next morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the nude. The wife says "Oh Harold this is just like fifty years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!" To which he replies "Well they ought to Gladys one's a hangin' in your oatmeal, the other's in your coffee!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted January 24, 2010 Report Share Posted January 24, 2010 A Husband wrote the following letter for his Wife and left it on the dining room table: To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good Wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!!! Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2010 A Husband wrote the following letter for his Wife and left it on thedining room table: To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good Wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!!! Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow! your getting the hang of this now Ian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pete_scorpa3 Posted January 24, 2010 Report Share Posted January 24, 2010 You lot! Where are they all coming from? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted January 24, 2010 Report Share Posted January 24, 2010 Yesterday I was at my local Aldi buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.. What did she think I had, an elephant? Soon impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in Hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 kilos before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, . . . . . . I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit us both. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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