Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[Andy]

A famous Oxford Professor is carrying out an in-depth study of bestiality within the UK with a view to finding out why certain regions and people abuse farmyard animals.

To begin his research he heads north, first to rural Aberdeenshire, an area noted particularly for men with a love of sheep.

The first man he meets is Slapshot. They have an in-depth discussion about why Slapshot likes to have sexual relations with sheep culminating in the Professor asking his favourite position.

Slapshot replies that it has to be back legs in the wellies to stop them from running away and take them from behind. He also adds that an added benefit is if you take them close to the edge of a cliff as they then push back as you push forward!

Heading further North, the Professor stumbles upon Bigfoot buried deep in a ewe half way up Bennachie. After the traditional

[the addict]

A famous Oxford Professor is carrying out an in-depth study of bestiality within the UK with a view to finding out why certain regions and people abuse farmyard animals.

To begin his research he heads north, first to rural Aberdeenshire, an area noted particularly for men with a love of sheep.

The first man he meets is Slapshot. They have an in-depth discussion about why Slapshot likes to have sexual relations with sheep culminating in the Professor asking his favourite position.

Slapshot replies that it has to be back legs in the wellies to stop them from running away and take them from behind. He also adds that an added benefit is if you take them close to the edge of a cliff as they then push back as you push forward!

Heading further North, the Professor stumbles upon Bigfoot buried deep in a ewe half way up Bennachie. After the traditional

Edited January 26, 2010 by The Addict

[the addict]

Sherlock Holmes & Dr Watson are lying in bed. Sherlock goes to the kitchen & comes back with a big jar of lemon curd. Quickly he turns Watson over and smears it around his a***! "Sherlock! what the **** are you doing?" Watson gasps. Sherlock smiles & replies

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." its lemon entry my dear Watson!!!"

[copemech]

How the Fight Started!

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

[copemech]

A famous Oxford Professor is carrying out an in-depth study of bestiality within the UK with a view to finding out why certain regions and people abuse farmyard animals.

To begin his research he heads north, first to rural Aberdeenshire, an area noted particularly for men with a love of sheep.

The first man he meets is Slapshot. They have an in-depth discussion about why Slapshot likes to have sexual relations with sheep culminating in the Professor asking his favourite position.

Slapshot replies that it has to be back legs in the wellies to stop them from running away and take them from behind. He also adds that an added benefit is if you take them close to the edge of a cliff as they then push back as you push forward!

Heading further North, the Professor stumbles upon Bigfoot buried deep in a ewe half way up Bennachie. After the traditional

[copemech]

Here is a great little game for you to try!

Ck it Out!

[slapshot 3]

Not a joke per se but funny enough for the hallowed "Kenny" Thread.......

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

[copemech]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.......

[toofasttim]

I may have posted this before. Still a cracker though:

[b40rt]

Anybody still watch just for luaghts ?

[gizza5]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She

asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My Goodness!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Edited January 28, 2010 by GIZZA5

[the addict]

Gizza, a fine days effort mate especially the last two

[slapshot 3]

A trainspotter friend was really depressed and suicidal but he didn't have the guts to top himself. So we were out for a walk one day and I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

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Our local Flasher was considering retirement, but after some thought he decided to stick it out for one more year.

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I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". She said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

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Polar bear walks into a bar, says to the barman ' Can I have a Gin and..........

...............tonic'

Bar man says, 'no problem, but whats with the big pause?'

To which the Polar bear looks at his hands and replies,' Dunno, i've always had them'

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A middle aged accountant calls his wife and says 'darling you know I love you but we're 54 years old now and I have needs that you just can't meet anymore. I know you'll understand this is why I'm going to be spending the weekend at the Ritz hotel with my 18 year old intern'.

His wife replies, 'Of course I understand darling, and you know that as a 54 year old man you I have needs that you can't always satisfy in me, I'll be taking our gardeners 18 year old assistant to Claridges for the weekend

Edited January 29, 2010 by Slapshot 3

[gizza5]

Reminds me of a Polar Bear Joke................

This baby polar bear was sat with his mum on an ice berg.

"Mum," he asked, "am I a real polar bear?"

"Yes darling, of course you are." his mother answered.

"Yeah but, am I a proper polar bear, you know, a real one?"

"Yes dear," his mum replied, "You're dad is a polar bear, I'm a polar bear and your sister's a polar bear."

"I know that mum," he said, "but am I a proper polar bear?"

"Of course you are" said his mum, "now shut up and eat your penguin."

A minute later the baby polar bear asks "Mum, I know what you've said, but am I really a proper polar bear?"

"Look," she says, "you are a proper bloody polar bear alright. What's wrong with you? Why do you keep asking me that?"

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"Well," he replies, "I'm f**king freezing"

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Brave!

Edited January 29, 2010 by GIZZA5

[ham2]

***WARNING*****TC joke police..

...this is doin me nappa in are you lot just goldfish??...do you lot ever read anyone else's posts to see if you're just regurgitating others jokes???

It's like the old nutter at the bar who keeps on repeating himself

It's like the old nutter at the bar who keeps on repeating himself

It's like the old nutter at the bar who keeps on repeating himself

It's like the old nutter at the bar who keeps on repeating himself

It's like the old nutter at the bar who keeps on repeating himself

Here's one I prepared earlier:....you'll love it:-

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks

badly.

So, he goes down the road to the next farm and asks if they have a

rooster that they would sell.

The other farmer says, 'Yes, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny.

He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem.'

Trouble is, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the

Farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but

first he gave the rooster a pep talk. 'I want you to pace yourself now.

You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of

money.

Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and

have some fun,' the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house

and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen

house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure

enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake.

Once again - WHAM! - All the geese get it.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't

even last the night. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the

next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth

open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air with

Buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive

animal, shakes his head and says, 'Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself.

I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.'

Kenny slowly opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky

above and says,

'Shut it, you're scarin the fanny away