gizza5 Posted January 29, 2010 Report Share Posted January 29, 2010 ***WARNING*****TC joke police.....this is doin me nappa in are you lot just goldfish??...do you lot ever read anyone else's posts to see if you're just regurgitating others jokes??? Mr Ham after 438 posts people have a little bit of trouble remembering every single one, as you are of the more intellectual type pehaps you could list below the repeats and then we can all be good enough not to re-post to keep you amused While on the subject of repeats ........................is there a problem with the Beta Stator? What tyre pressures do I run at? What are the best boots? Stop or No stop? What the best trials bike? What riding gear is best? All of these we value your opinion so pop over there and moderate the forums and from time to time come back to ''Kenny'' and tell us the error of our ways................................talking of repeats I beleive you have told us off twice now Tut Tut ??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted January 29, 2010 Report Share Posted January 29, 2010 (edited) ...as you are of the more intellectual type .....Now that's funny While on the subject of repeats ........................is there a problem with the Beta Stator? So's that ...Anyhow... This farmer has about 500 hens... Why,at a Mackem wedding, do they make the wedding cake out of 5h1te? To keep the flies off the bride! I guarantee you will very nearly pee yersel with this...HERE Edited January 29, 2010 by HAM2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 29, 2010 Report Share Posted January 29, 2010 Roll cage, you don't need a roll cage on a settee, do you ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 29, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 29, 2010 A WOMAN SEE'S A SIGN... In a pet shop window...... FOR SALE Fanny licking frog Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 29, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 29, 2010 (edited) I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted "Oi wots ur disability?" I said "Tourettes now **** off you ****!!" ******************************************************************************** ***************************** What goes 3, 27, 58, 79, 108........ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Postman doing his round in Haiti Edited January 29, 2010 by The Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted January 30, 2010 Report Share Posted January 30, 2010 ***WARNING*****TC joke police.....this is doin me nappa in are you lot just goldfish??...do you lot ever read anyone else's posts to see if you're just regurgitating others jokes??? It's like the old nutter at the bar who keeps on repeating himself It's like the old nutter at the bar who keeps on repeating himself It's like the old nutter at the bar who keeps on repeating himself It's like the old nutter at the bar who keeps on repeating himself It's like the old nutter at the bar who keeps on repeating himself Here's one I prepared earlier:....you'll love it:- This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks badly. So, he goes down the road to the next farm and asks if they have a rooster that they would sell. The other farmer says, 'Yes, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem.' Trouble is, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the Farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. 'I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,' the farmer said, with a chuckle. Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! - All the geese get it. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the night. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air with Buzzards circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, 'Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.' Kenny slowly opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky above and says, 'Shut it, you're scarin the fanny away Gizza has taken all my "when the fight started" jokes all in one sitting! I could have had a weks worth there! But I think me shall repeat them Just, to p*** you off! BTW, what did you have for lunch last Tuesday? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted January 30, 2010 Report Share Posted January 30, 2010 I had to go back a bit to find this something different! Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch...... So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn... I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.... Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!! Pass this on to all your friends, just in case they're having a bad day!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted January 30, 2010 Report Share Posted January 30, 2010 Gizza has taken all my "when the fight started" jokes all in one sitting! I could have had a weks worth there! But I think me shall repeat them Just, to p*** you off! BTW, what did you have for lunch last Tuesday? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted January 30, 2010 Report Share Posted January 30, 2010 :rolleyes: Ouch! My step dad just came back from Australia where he was stung by a portugese man-o-war (blue-bottle?) and he's still got the scars after 2 weeks...he left the room when I read out that divers story Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted January 30, 2010 Report Share Posted January 30, 2010 BTW, what did you have for lunch last Tuesday? Don't test me...A census taker once tried to test me......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted January 30, 2010 Report Share Posted January 30, 2010 (edited) "A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man." Mignon McLaughlin A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself." He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too." ----------- A bride on her wedding night says to her new husband "I have a confession, I used to be a hooker" "Actually, I find that a bit erotic - tell me more" he says. "Well" she replied "my name was Nigel and I played for Wigan" ----------- One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have Work Out Barbie, Shopping Barbie, Beach Barbie, Disco Barbie, Ballerina Barbie, Skater Barbie all for Edited January 30, 2010 by AtomAnt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 30, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2010 (edited) A bloody fine effort Ian, made my afternnon that mate (Bumps Kenny to 31 pages) Edited January 30, 2010 by The Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rezurect Posted January 30, 2010 Report Share Posted January 30, 2010 A battery, a set of jump leads and a bra walk into a bar..... The battery and the jump leads go and sit in the corner and the bra goes to the bar........ The bra says to the barman ' I'll have three pints please' The barman says ' I'm not serving you' The bra says ' Why not' ' Because ' the barman says 'Your off your t1ts and your mates look like there going to start something'........... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted January 31, 2010 Report Share Posted January 31, 2010 A battery, a set of jump leads and a bra walk into a bar.....The battery and the jump leads go and sit in the corner and the bra goes to the bar........ The bra says to the barman ' I'll have three pints please' The barman says ' I'm not serving you' The bra says ' Why not' ' Because ' the barman says 'Your off your t1ts and your mates look like there going to start something'........... ***WARNING***TC JOKE POLICE**** Un-official administrator review:- That effort was officially rated an 8 out of 10, it was going to be a 7 but the addition of the 'bra' factor enhanced an old joke. Nice clean delivery and execution not a hint of 'cut-n-paste'. Congratulations you're in the final Meanwhile back at the Batcave......A joke for the computer nerds.... Hi, I'm Richter Scale, and Haiti 7 was my idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted January 31, 2010 Report Share Posted January 31, 2010 (edited) :rolleyes: ***WARNING***TC JOKE POLICE**** Un-official administrator review:- Your a funny guy HAM? Here's one I don't think has been posted before................... A HAM Sandwich goes into a bar and ask for a pint of beer? Barman says ''We don't serve food in here'' Edited January 31, 2010 by GIZZA5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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