Andy Posted February 11, 2010 Report Share Posted February 11, 2010 Nicolas Sarkozy, the French President was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Zarkozy!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Zarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!" Zarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Zarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Zarkozy asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Zarkozy sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty-thousand since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Zarkozy, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!" Zarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Zarkozy! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Zarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no freakin' way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 11, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2010 (edited) A FRENCHMAN named Pierre was walking through the small town he lived in with a friend. He pointed to a row of houses and says, "You see those houses? I built those houses! But do they call me Pierre the Housebuilder..No" They walked along a bit futher, and he points to a number of boats in the harbour. "You see those boats ? I built those boats! But do they call me Pierre the Boat Builder? NO!" Then he turns to his friend and says "BUT MAKE LOVE TO JUST ONE GOAT AND YOU ARE LABELED FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French ******* again.' Edited February 11, 2010 by The Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy Posted February 11, 2010 Report Share Posted February 11, 2010 The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
big mark Posted February 11, 2010 Report Share Posted February 11, 2010 Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie. The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 11, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2010 (edited) French Army Knife Mark, you've chosen Andy's fave joke subject, be pages of French jokes now George Bush, Jaques Chirac and Tony Blair all go hunting. At the end of the night, they are cleaning their game and having a drink when Tony Blair stands, throws a bottle of whiskey in the air and yells "For Queen and country". He then pulls out a pistol and shoots the bottle out of the air. Chirac stands and throws a bottle of champagne in the air screaming, "Viva la France". He, too, pulls his pistol and shoots the bottle. George, not to be out done throws a can of beer in the air and pulls out his pistol. Then he shoots Chirac and yells "It doesn't get any better than this". New French Army monthly mag Edited February 11, 2010 by The Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
big mark Posted February 11, 2010 Report Share Posted February 11, 2010 Two (American) Indians were walking through the desert. One suddenly stops and puts his ear to the ground. He stands up, looks off into the distance and says "Buffalos come." The second Indian says "How you know?" The first replies "Face sticky!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 11, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2010 (edited) Little Red Indian boy talking to his father Big Chief sitting Bull, Daddy why do we all have funny names like sitting bull, half moon, rising sun? Well my son says the chief, when a woman goes to the woods to give birth at the very moment of birth she looks around the wood and names us the first thing she see's, now do you have any more questions for me little two dogs shaggging Apologies to Ham if this ones on here, I do like it though Edited February 11, 2010 by The Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted February 12, 2010 Report Share Posted February 12, 2010 Little Red Indian boy talking to his father Big Chief sitting Bull, Daddy why do we all have funny names like sitting bull, half moon, rising sun? Well my son says the chief, when a woman goes to the woods to give birth at the very moment of birth she looks around the wood and names us the first thing she see's, now do you have any more questions for me little two dogs shagggingApologies to Ham if this ones on here, I do like it though I'd rather you didn't mention that beastiality incident...I can explain everything.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy Posted February 12, 2010 Report Share Posted February 12, 2010 Mark, you've chosen Andy's fave joke subject, be pages of French jokes now Got that one right I have absolutely no time for them. Useless cheese-eating surrendermonkeys. It's no coincidence that of all the world rounds we go to the French are always the most problematic. They forget very easily... -------------------- The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow". --------------------- Q: How do you get a French waiter's attention? A: Start ordering in German. ------------------------ Question: What English word has no equivalent in the French language? Answer: Gratitude --------------------------- Q. What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training? A. How to surrender in at least 10 languages. ---------------------------- Q. What is the most useful thing in the French Army? A. A rearview mirror, so they can see the war --------------------------- A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!" ------------------------------- For Sale WWII French Army Rifle. Never fired, dropped once. -------------------------------------- A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed. "What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, p****d on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!" A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth. "What happened?", he asked. "Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, p****d all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!" "Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?" "Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?" "Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division." ----------------------------------- An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to." ------------------------------------- and the one that is no joke, but a true quote... "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." - General George S. Patton Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted February 12, 2010 Report Share Posted February 12, 2010 ''....Panzer division......'' Quality ''....Passport....'' I heard that one was true as well. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
big mark Posted February 12, 2010 Report Share Posted February 12, 2010 Q: Why do the French like smelly cheeses? A: Well, in a room full of French people, you can't really smell the cheese. I got a tip for you , if you install the french versions of your favorite programs, THEY RUN A LOT FASTER How do you separate the men from the boys in France? With a crowbar. Why do the french get more votes in the U.N. They vote with both hands What is the french peoples favorite movie? the running man During WW2, the French fighters, in their finest hour, bravely threw sticks of dynamite at the advancing German troops. The Germans then lit them and threw them back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted February 12, 2010 Report Share Posted February 12, 2010 I'd rather you didn't mention that beastiality incident...I can explain everything.. Your beginning to sound like Father Ted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 12, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2010 (edited) I bought Mrs Addict a huge expensive boquet of flowers last Valentines day, she was absolutley over the moon with them and said "suppose I'll have to open me legs for those" I said "Havent you got a ****ing vase then?" THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOUR DRUNK 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOUR DRUNK. 1. Specifically 2. Anti-costitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOUR DRUNK 1. No thanks, I'm married 2. Nope, no more booze for me 3. Sorry, but your really not my type 4. No, I don't want to see your tit's ******************************************************************************** **** my mates wife left him on friday. She said she was going for a pint of milk and he's not seen her since. I asked "how are you coping?" " Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff!" *********************************************************** A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions. The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a load of boll0x, I bet you cant tell me anything that will make me both happy and sad at the same time". She said: Out of all your friends, you have the biggest kn0b. Edited February 12, 2010 by The Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 12, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2010 (edited) errr I'll try this one, might be knocked off though Cat and a rooster sitting on the edge of a pond Cat falls in the pond and the Rooster p****s himself laughing Moral of the story? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .wherever theres a wet pussy, theres a happy cock Edited February 12, 2010 by The Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted February 12, 2010 Report Share Posted February 12, 2010 The soldiers in Afghanistan have been informed about the people of the country and how to address them? Some have been addresing them as 'Rag-Heads' Some have been addressing them as 'Towel-Heads' A local informant has corrected them and told the soldiers this is not a 'Rag' or a 'Towel'............. It's a 'Sheet' !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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