atomant Posted January 23, 2009 Report Share Posted January 23, 2009 My son said to me "Whats your favourite tellytubby"I replied " probably the new Samsung 42 inch plasma you cheeky ****" 'Bout sums you up don't it mate - Everything you post on facebook is about eating! Fat b******* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2009 Cheeky Git off for me bread and butter puds ............and ice cream Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arun1664 Posted January 23, 2009 Report Share Posted January 23, 2009 Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre," asks one, 'ow 'av you been doing?" "Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground." "And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate. "I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!" "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate. "I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'." "And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate. "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."> "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate. "I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'." "What 'appened zen?" asks his mate. "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'" "Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?" "A leetle ....... at ze beginning." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted January 24, 2009 Report Share Posted January 24, 2009 Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre," asks one, 'ow 'av you been doing?""Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground." "And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate. "I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!" "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate. "I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'." "And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate. "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."> "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate. "I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'." "What 'appened zen?" asks his mate. "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'" "Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?" "A leetle ....... at ze beginning." Now That is funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted January 24, 2009 Report Share Posted January 24, 2009 An Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman go for a job at the SAS The Englishman goes up to the sergeant and says, " Right, what do you want me to do?" The Sergeant says, "Well, You have to be real tough to be in the SAS right?" The Englishman says " Yes sir!" "Well here is a loaded pistol. I have put your wife in that room. I want you to go in there and shoot her dead!" The Englishman says," Well, I have been married 15 years and I love my wife. I couldn't do that. This jobs not for me" .... and he walks off. He says the same thing to the Scotsman and he says.. " I have been married 20 years and I love my wife too. I couldn't do that. This jobs not for me" .... and he walks off. He says the same thing to the Irishman and he says " That's no problem. Give me the gun!".. and in the room he goes. Then the sergeant hears, BANG,BANG ... BANG,BANG.... BANG. And then a load of noise with tables and chairs flying al over the place... After 5 minutes of this, the Irishman walks out and says to the sergeant " You B******d! You could have told me they were blanks!....... I had to strangle the Bitch" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted January 24, 2009 Report Share Posted January 24, 2009 Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre," asks one, 'ow 'av you been doing?""Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground." "And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate. "I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!" "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate. "I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'." "And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate. "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."> "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate. "I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'." "What 'appened zen?" asks his mate. "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'" "Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?" "A leetle ....... at ze beginning." OH YESSSS..funniest joke on here for a while Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted August 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2009 A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would w alk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, rip off my knickers and have your way with me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How the hell in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted August 19, 2009 Report Share Posted August 19, 2009 Poetry Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, Her knickers all tattered and torn, It wasn't the spider that sat down beside her But little Boy Blue with his horn. Mary had a little lamb, It bumped into a pylon, 10,000 volts went up it's ar$e, And turned it's wool to Nylon. Jack and Jill went up the hill, To fetch a pail of water, Jill came down with half a crown, But not for gathering water Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 At last, Gordon Brown reluctantly decided to throw in the towel and resign.. His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him so a senior 'Sir Humphrey' travelled from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum in York to investigate the possibilities. "They do have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought railway consultant told the top civil servant, "however, these are mostly freight locomotives." "Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister." said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to Number 4472. "But 4472 already has a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'The Flying Scotsman'." "Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer." "I suppose it might be considered." said the consultant. "After all, the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower." "That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then: let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the recent parliamentary expenses scandal." "Well," said the consultant, "why don't we just paint out the F'?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted August 22, 2009 Report Share Posted August 22, 2009 An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc.. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted August 31, 2009 Report Share Posted August 31, 2009 More Scots Poetry Slaggy Senga fell in love, She planned to marry joe. She was so happy 'bout it all, She told her faither so. Faither told her, Senga doll, You'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yer maw don't know, But joe is yur half brither. So Senga put aside her joe And planned to marry wull. But after telling faither this, He said, 'there's trouble still.' You canny marry wull, my doll, And please don't tell yur mither. But will and joe, and several merr I know is yur half brither. But mither knew and said, my doll, Just do what makes ye happy. Marry will or marry joe; Cos faithers no your daddy !!! -------------------------------------- Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said. "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!" -------------------------------------- The mother of Caster Semenya, women's 800m world champion has expressed her outrage at her daughter having to undergo a gender test . She said "This is a real kick in the B*****ks for my daughter" -------------------------------------- A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer". He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. The couple gladly accepted, and were off! About a month later, the little old lady came to visit the travel agent's shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "Well," said the old woman, "the flight was exciting and the room was truly lovely. and I have come to thank you for it. But," she added, "one thing has been puzzling me -- who was that old man I had to share the room with?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted August 31, 2009 Report Share Posted August 31, 2009 (edited) A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred , he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'. The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*ck do you want?' 'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, "Ryanair check-in Glasgow" Edited August 31, 2009 by Slapshot 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted August 31, 2009 Report Share Posted August 31, 2009 It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results. REMOVING HER CLOTHES: With her consent..... ....... ....... 12 Calories Without her consent..... ......... ...... 387 Calories OPENING HER BRA: With both hands....... ....... ...... 8 Calories With one hand........ ......... ......... 22 Calories With your teeth....... ......... ........ 85 Calories PUTTING ON A CONDOM: With an erection.... ....... ....... ... 6 Calories Without an erection.... ......... ....... 315 Calories PRELIMINARIES: Trying to find the clitoris.... ....... . 8 Calories Trying to find the G-Spot...... ........ 192 Calories POSITIONS: Missionary.. ......... ......... ....... . 112 Calories 69 lying down........ ......... ......... . 178 Calories 69 standing up.......... ......... ...... 312 Calories Wheelbarrow. ........ ........ ......... 386 Calories Doggy Style....... ......... ........ .... 400 Calories Italian chandelier.. ........ ......... . 972 Calories ORGASM Real........ ........ ........ ......... 112 Calories Fake........ ......... ......... ........ 315 Calories POST ORGASM: Lying in bed hugging..... ........ ..... 18 Calories Getting up immediately. ......... ....... 36 Calories Explaining why you got out of bed immediately. .....816 Calories GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are: 20-29 years old......... ......... ...... 36 Calories 30-39 years....... ........ ....... .... 80 Calories 40-49 years....... ......... ......... ... 124 Calories 50-59 years....... ......... ......... .... 972 Calories 60-69 years....... ......... ......... .... 2916 Calories 70 and over........ ....... ......... .. Results are still pending DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS: Calmly...... ......... ......... ......... 32 Calories In a hurry....... ......... ......... .... 98 Calories With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted September 1, 2009 Report Share Posted September 1, 2009 I'm good for another 1250 at least! Hungry now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted September 1, 2009 Report Share Posted September 1, 2009 Man Stories 1.. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy Crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning." He said "no just taking a dump". 2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I Realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to Forgive me. 3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did This to me you *******!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick your rear but you said, "it'll be too painful." 4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual Checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me, "because I am trying to examine you." 5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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