Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[copemech]

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a baldhead and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

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[gizza5]

An Irish priest was transferred to Ballina Catholic Church

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a Donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a Donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn "

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied:

.

.

.

.

.

"Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin. "

[gizza5]

I was driving with the wife this morning and she said to me "I think the people in the car alongside us are Russian or Latvian".

"Why's that then?" I asked

"because the kids in the back have written on the window

''stit ruoy su wohs"

[b40rt]

I was driving with the wife this morning and she said to me "I think the people in the car alongside us are Russian or Latvian".

"Why's that then?" I asked

"because the kids in the back have written on the window

''stit ruoy su wohs"

ynnuf yrev

[Andy]

Little Johnny was off school for a day

Next day he comes back and the teacher, thinking Johnny has been skipping school puts on her most stern voice and says "Johnny, why weren't you at school yesterday?"

Johnny says "Sorry Miss, but Daddy got burned"

The teacher, suddenly realising she might have made a mistake says "Oh, that's terrible. I do hope it wasn't serious"

"Well Miss," replies Johnny, "They don't f*** about at the crematorium"

[Andy]

One of my favourite ever jokes and what's more, it's clean!

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realise the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

"I'm over here, on the swings."

[steveo]

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and

gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both

and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes

both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows. The State takes

both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws

the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The

government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to

produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why

the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using

letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then

execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that

you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an

intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the

majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to

your listed company.The annual report says the

company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,

leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike,

organise a riot, and block the roads, because

you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are

one-tenth the size of an ordinary

cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and

market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years,

eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but

you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another

bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine

productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade

your country.You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of

Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few

beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive

[pa.]

If you can't find book you're looking for your probably shopping at

[ham2]

I am proud to announce that I am now wearing an ''Anti-Bullying'' wrist -band......I nicked it off this little,fat ,ginger kid, he's such a loser!

What's worse than a dog chewing your shoes??.......

.....A killer whale biting it's trainers??

Newsflash:-

There was a shock for the residents of Sunderland town centre today, when a haul of class A drugs and fire-arms were discovered behind the central library!!

A spokesman for the local community said:- '' I never knew we had a library!''

[slapshot 3]

Paddy and Mick are discussing Paddy

[slapshot 3]

limericks anyone??????

There was a young girl from Carshalton

Who had a long tit and a short 'un

To make up for that

She had a big tw@ t

And could suck start a 650 Norton!

A do-it-yourselfer named Alice

Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.

They found her v*g**a

In South Carolina

And half of her anus in Dallas.

There was a young Lady from Ealing

That had a delicate feeling

She lay on her back

and opened her crack

And p!!ssed all over the ceiling.

There was a young Woman from Leeds

That swallowed a packet of seeds

In less than an hour

Her ar$e was a flower

and her pu$$y was covered in weeds.

There was a young man from Havana

Who used to do tricks for a tanner

His favourite trick

Was to stand on his pr!ck

And tighten his balls with a spanner.

There once was a woman who begat

Triplets called Nat, Pat and Tat

They'd been fun in the breeding

But a nightmare for feeding

[ham2]

That poor trainer at Seaworld, since she was 9 yrs old all she wanted to do was feed the Orcas,looks like she got her wish

[pa.]

* Two men face larceny trial

* Goat owner demands wedding

* Possible civil suit pending

THE owner of a goat allegedly raped is demanding the two accused make traditional wedding arrangements.

State media also said the two young men accused of having sex with a goat in central Mozambique faced criminal charges.

The young men, whose names and ages were not released, were caught in the act by police and arrested outside the rural town of Mbucuta in central Mozambique, the website of the state broadcaster said.

"One of the young men was naked and holding the goat's head, and the other was having sex with the animal," witness Mario Creva told Radio Mozambique.

District prosecutor Leonides Mapasse said the two would face trial for simple larceny.

The goat's owner may also file a civil suit against them, he said.

The owner was demanding the young men pay him damages and initiate a traditional wedding ceremony by paying "lobolo," a dowry, a family member told Radio Mozambique.

News source.

[pa.]

Staff Warning - Swearing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.

Try Saying:

I think you could do with more training

Instead Of:

You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.

Try Saying:

She's an aggressive go-getter.

Instead Of:

She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.

Try Saying:

Perhaps I can work late

Instead Of:

And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.

Try Saying:

I'm certain that isn't feasible

Instead Of:

F*** off a*se-hole

5.

Try Saying:

Really?

Instead Of:

Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.

Try Saying:

Perhaps you should check with...

Instead Of:

Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.

Try Saying:

I wasn't involved in the project.

Instead Of:

Not my f***ing problem.

8.

Try Saying:

That's interesting.

Instead Of:

What the f***?

9.

Try Saying:

I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.

Instead Of:

No f***ing chance mate.

10..

Try Saying:

It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in

Instead Of:

Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.

Try Saying:

He's not familiar with the issues

Instead Of:

He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.

Try Saying:

Excuse me, sir?

Instead Of:

Oi, f*** face.

13.

Try Saying:

Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway

Instead Of:

Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

[gizza5]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is