Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[pa.]

Bingle in Shower.

[atomant]

Guy takes his labrador Fido into the pub and the barman says, " No dogs in here mate!"

The guy says but he does tricks. The barman says " What tricks does he do then? "

The guy says, " Well see that lovely buxom blonde barmaid of yours, he will mount her on my command no problem"

The Barman says "Really? I gotta see this "

so down to the cellar they go and the buxom barmaid drops her knickers and bends over on all fours and Fido is sitting behind with his tounge out panting..

SO the guy says, " Right Fido, On yer get ! " ...... but the dog just sits there panting away

So he says again " RIGHT FIDO, ON YER GET ! " ... but still the dog just sits there panting away...

So the guy proceeds to drop his trousers and says to the dog, " Right Fido, this is the last time I'm showing you !"

[the addict]

The missus suggested I make more of an effort and that we should use some toys in the bedroom to spice things up a bit......

The ungrateful cow..

Took me 2 hours to set up that scalextric

[gasgasman280]

Conversation between two women in heaven:

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we' d both still be alive.

[john.b]

Conversation between two women in heaven:

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we' d both still be alive.

[ham2]

You know, looking back at my childhood,my uncle Kenny was the worst ventriloquist in the world.

He got it all wrong,he would stick 2 fingers up my **** and whisper;'' Don't say anything, mind ! ''. Useless.

Edited March 6, 2010 by HAM2

[ham2]

The mother of the young boy,who was kidnapped in Pakistan, has made an emotional plea for anyone to come forward and cover his shift in the shop on Saturdays.

[copemech]

You know, looking back at my childhood,my uncle Kenny was the worst ventriloquist in the world.

He got it all wrong,he would stick 2 fingers up my **** and whisper;'' Don't say anything, mind ! ''. Useless.

This DOES explain a few things!

[gasgasman280]

Three guys go to a ski lodge,and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night,the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up,and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says,

"That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[copemech]

Q. What does a virgin and a balloon have in common?

A. One prick and it's all over!

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Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?

A. After five years your job still sucks.

-------

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?

A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

[gasgasman280]

Deeply Profound Thoughts By Men.

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.

She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

Edited March 9, 2010 by gasgasman280

[the addict]

This was actually taken from a passport application and a member of staff copied it, as it made her laugh all day.

Subject: Passport Application

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jo bs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.

Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are en jo ying the process!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...

who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen.

[the addict]

Police Complaint Letter

This is apparantly a genuine complaint to Strandtown Police Station from an angry member of the public

A true email sent to the Service, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

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Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Strandtown police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Strandtown, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Parkgate Crescent, which is just off Mersey Street Belfast.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.

If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. In fact, I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Police car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant

Mr ??????,

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I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???????

Community Beat Officer

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Dear PC ???????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Strandtown Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in Parkgate Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Belfast, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Hollywood Road , or the one at Victoria Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Pollock Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Great Eastern Pub.

Regards

?????????

[the addict]

Chris decided to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in

Scotland

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration,

that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not

too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair

of fur lined quality leather gloves.

His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two

items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the

following letter...

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we

go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have

chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier

to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed

me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly

noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even

though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub

against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to

wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt

many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because

they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming

year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down

with a little bit of fur showing.

[Andy]

The police story is true, but it was in Edinburgh. It was all over the papers here at the time.