Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[toofasttim]

It's not bloody funny..it's true!

Never mind the Hadron Collider...Governmentium is so heavy, it's gonna drag us all down into a black-hole

Never mind that, the LHC is in strife again..sigh..

[gasgasman280]

"Hello?"

"Hi honey.

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom

with Uncle David."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

"But honey,

you haven't got

an Uncle David."

"Oh yes I do,

and he's upstairs in the room

with Mommy,

right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then,

this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone

down on the table,

run upstairs

and knock on the bedroom door

and shout to Mommy

that Daddy's car

just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy,

just a minute."

A few minutes later

the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared,

jumped out of bed

with no clothes on

and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug,

hit her head on the dresser

and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle David?"

"He jumped out of the bed

with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared

and he jumped out of the back window

and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know

that you took out the water

last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool

and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool?

Is this

486-5731?"

[atomant]

a 93 year old man's sat on the kerb crying

Passer-by asks him "Whats up ?"

The old man moans. "Im 93, Married to a 21 year old who wants sex twice before breakfast and lunch. once before tea and twice again at night ! "

Passer-by says , " So what is the problem? "

"The Problem!" he says " The problem is I cant f**king remember where I live! "

Edited March 19, 2010 by AtomAnt

[ham2]

[houseape1000]

Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, and Welshman, waiting at the school gates to collect their children.

Englishman sees his son and shouts " come on George, hurry up ", then explains to the others that he named his son George as he was born on St. Georges day.

Scotsman says " that's funny, I called my son Andrew, cos he was born on St. Andrews day "

Welshman says " what a coincidence, here comes David......he was born on St. Davids day "

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-The Irishman sees David, and shouts...." DAVID........tell our PANCAKE to hurry up will you "

[atomant]

During the war this farmer and his missus get this gorgeous land army girl.

After the first days work, she comes in the house in the evening and asks the old lady what does she do for a bath!

The old lady tells her that on a Friday night when her old man goes out to play darts, she will get the tin bath out in front of the fire and she can have a bath then.

So Friday comes, the ol’ man goes out to play darts and his ol' lady gets out the tin bath in front of the fire and fills it with nice hot water, then sits in the chair with her knitting.

The land army girl strips off and is just getting in the water when the ol’ lady looks across and notices the girl doesn’t have any pubic hairs! She thinks that is strange but doesn’t say anything.

When her ol’ man comes in from playing darts she says to him, “That girl we got is strange!”

“ Why is that?” he says,,

“Well…’ she says, “She’s got no pubic hairs!”

He says, “ What you on about woman, all women have pubic hairs”

She says “Well she hasn’t I tell ya!”

“ I don’t believe you” He says...

She says, “ Well next week, I will leave the curtain slightly open and you can look for yourself”

He says, “Ok then”

Well next Friday comes and the ol’ lady has the tin bath out and the ol’ man has gone to play darts when the land army girl comes down, strips off and is just getting in the bath when the ol’ lady says ..

“Hang on a minute love, tell me why you don’t have pubic hairs ?”

The girl says, “Pubic hairs! What are they?”

The ol’ lady says, “You know, Pubic hairs, hairs that grow down there”

The girl says, “Im sorry but I have no idea what you are on about”

With that, the ol’ lady stands up, hoists her skirt and drops her draws and points to her fanny and says, “ PUBIC HAIRS LIKE THESE”

The girl says “God, I haven’t seen them before “ and gets on with her bath then goes to bed.

The ol’ man comes in from his darts and his ol’ lady says to him.. “Well did you see, did you see!”

He says, “ I see alright but there was no need for you to drop your drawers!”

She says “Why, you’ve seen it all before haven’t you?”

He says, “ Yes I have …. But the bloody darts team hasn’t”

Edited March 19, 2010 by AtomAnt

[Andy]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'

The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..

' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big a*** and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

[pete_scorpa3]

Take a look at this EBay joker

[b40rt]

BBC News - Blind soldier sees through his tongue.

If he can now master breathing through his ears, he'll make a f**king brilliant gynaecologist.

[the addict]

Take a look at this EBay joker

Cracking find Pete, I've just posted on the Road Race site lol, they'll love that 23,000 hits so far, must be doing the rounds on the forums

[pete_scorpa3]

If you look at his other items, you will see that he is a genuine motor trader, he certainly has the owner of this type of car summed up well!

[the addict]

If you look at his other items, you will see that he is a genuine motor trader, he certainly has the owner of this type of car summed up well!

over 8000 hits in less than 3 hours, emailing him now for a link to my website

[the addict]

Woman in Asda notices a young assistant. He has such a cute a*** it makes her randy! She asks him to carry her shopping to her car.

On the way back she can't hold back any more and says "I've got an itchypussy". He says "You'll have to point it out love,all these ****ing Japanese cars look the same to me!".

[thespikeyone]

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties. An American farmer looked over the fence and said

"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"

[thespikeyone]

Proof that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.

2. He lived at home until the age of 33.

3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

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Q: What's white and 14 inches long?

A: Absolutely nothing.

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I don't tell people I'm white anymore -- I'm albino-Cambodian

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One day a blonde finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is cheating on her. So one day she goes out to the mall and buys a gun. After that she goes to her boyfriend's house. She busts down the door and points the gun at her head.

"What are you doing?'' says her boyfriend.

"Shut up! You're next!"

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Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husband's car?

She burned her lips on the tailpipe!

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What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run, 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!