Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[atomant]

Paddy says to Murphy... " Hey Murphy, help me with this Jigsaw! I'm having a bit of trouble with it. There's this big picture of a tiger on the box and I cant do it"

Murphy says, " B'Jesus Paddy....... put the Frosties back in the packet will ya "

[slapshot 3]

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live a good life and be helpful.

His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

One day the bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.

Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.

So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand - if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment".

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust " I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said " Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

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Two retired admirals are sitting in their club remembering the old days.....'when did you last have sex' says one ....'sex, oh that was ages ago probably about 1947'.

.'not so bad really'..says the other looking at his watch....'its only 21.35 now'

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....A retired general arrives at his London club.His car draws up and a liveried doorman steps foreward and opens the car door.

The general steps out and looks at the doorman and says...'I remember you ,you served under me in the desert in 1942,...good to see you again...Im still a member of this club but I live out of town now and so Im a country member'...

'Yes'.. says the doorman..'I remember'.........

[slapshot 3]

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him.

"Besides, we've been having an affair for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

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Things seen on Fridge Magnets

Beware of geeks bearing .GIFs

I miss my ex but my aim is improving.

Save a horse, ride a cowboy.

Don't **** me off I'm running out of places to hide the bodies

Vine Vida Velcro, I came, I saw, I stuck around

Assassins do it from behind.

Corduroy pillows make headlines

My sole purpose in life now is to serve as a warning to others

Do not wish for everything unless you have a really big cupboard

Borrow from pessimists - they don't expect it back

If God had wanted me to eat muesli he would have made it smell like bacon.

When you

[slapshot 3]

My mate had a girlfriend called Lorraine. But he was cheating on her with another girl called Claire Lee.

Unfortunately Lorraine died...At her funeral my mate stood up in church & sang...

"I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone..."

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A little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.

He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thinks -- what the hell -- and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

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A Welsh farmer wins

[slapshot 3]

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven

Edited May 11, 2010 by Slapshot 3

[toofasttim]

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep..

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said.. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous...... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8.. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[copemech]

[gizza5]

The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way.....Who's your baby's Daddy?

These are allegedly genuine excerpts from the forms.

.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,

Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am

unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but

I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my

child as I was being sick out of a window when taken

unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list

of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little

girl. She was conceived at a party at

360 East Bolton Avenue

where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do

remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you

do manage to track down the father, can you please send me

his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my

daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my

stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW

service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a

Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope

confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate

and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he

informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that

would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn

between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise.

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do

catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my

AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....

well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was

conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic

Kingdom.

9... So much about that night is a blur. The only thing

that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme

about eggs earlier in the evening... If I had stayed in and

watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56

Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my

baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you

can't be sure which one made you fart.

........................and Finally?

11. I can't remember who the father was?

He never took his crash helmet off

[gizza5]

A Canadian walks into a bar in rural NC and orders a glass of white wine. The whole bar gets quiet. The bartender asks,

[copemech]

A Scotsman walks into a bar in rural NC and orders a glass of white wine. The whole bar gets quiet. The bartender asks,

Edited May 16, 2010 by copemech

[zippy]

A Scotsman walks into a bar in rural NC and orders a glass of white wine. The whole bar gets quiet. The bartender asks,

[slapshot 3]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the

words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the stories of a few people who did....

FIRST STORY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and

asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w j0b?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND STORY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.

He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing

with men

[copemech]

Entertaining Dog Story!

Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls

The person who wrote this is a good writer, which makes this story even better.

Enjoy...

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you, who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.

Like a child, the dog came with his own 20 idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me.

Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time.

I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.

I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for a few hours. Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. The rolls were ready to go in the oven.

It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury doughboy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night.

God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.

He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.

His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk.

He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.

My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it.

Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, 'what goes in must come out' and Jasper was no exception.

Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having discovered his 'packages' on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.

We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.

I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no lo n ger tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.

It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to: 'How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.'

And how was your day?

[copemech]

Entertaining Aircraft Story!

This brand spanking new Airbus 340-600, the largest passenger airplane ever

built, sits just outside its hangar in Toulouse , France without a single

hour of airtime.

Enter the Arab flight crew of Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technologies (ADAT) to

conduct pre-delivery tests on the ground, such as engine run-ups, prior to

delivery to Etihad Airways in Abu Dhabi .

The ADAT crew taxied the A340-600 to the run-up area.

Then they took all four engines to takeoff power with a virtually empty

aircraft. Not having read the run-up manuals, they had no clue just how

light an empty A340-600 really is.

The takeoff warning horn was blaring away in the cockpit because they had

All 4 engines at full power. The aircraft computers thought they were trying

to take off, but it had not been configured properly (flaps/slats, etc..)

Then one of the ADAT crew decided to pull the circuit breaker on the Ground

Proximity Sensor to silence the alarm. This fools the aircraft into thinking

it is in the air. The computers automatically released all the brakes and

set the aircraft rocketing forward.

The ADAT crew had no idea that this is a safety feature so that pilots can't

land with the brakes on.

Not one member of the seven-man Arab crew was smart enough to throttle back

the engines from their max power setting, so the $200 million brand-new

aircraft crashed into a blast barrier, totaling it.

The extent of injuries to the crew is unknown due to the news blackout in

the major media in France and elsewhere. Because........

Coverage of the story was deemed insulting to Muslim Arabs.

Finally, the photos are starting to leak out.

One French Airbus: $200 million dollars

Untrained Arab Flight Crew: $300,000 Yearly Salary

Unread Operating Manual:$300

Aircraft meets retaining wall and the wall wins.

PRICELESS!!!

[shercoman2k8]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

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A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he

says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Banker looks down in horror.

'OH MY GOD!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????....