Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[joekarter]

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: one line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God spoke to the men, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and did not fulfill your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him.

Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[pa.]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . .

YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE,

AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY,

I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER,

I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD

TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK

HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID.

I'M A MUSTANG,'

HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?'

I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED,

'IN 1974.

WHY DO YOU ASK?'

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!',

I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SON-OF-A-BITCH

ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

[copemech]

Quotations "Life is all about ass;

you're either covering it,

laughing it off ,

kicking it,

kissing it,

[wasntme]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day and picked out a box of Tampax. They proceeded to the checkout counter to pay.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Well... not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother and he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you'd be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either yet."

[copemech]

Neerly peed on this one!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0LvKg5aCG0

Edited April 19, 2011 by copemech

[bigfoot]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said,

[slapshot 3]

Buggers sent my census form back

In answer to the question, 'Do you have any financial dependents?',

I put, 'Asylum seekers, pikeys, smack heads, lazy unemployable scroungers, the cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show, the British Banking System and thieving b****rd MPs!'

Apparently these answers are unnaceptable........

[ham2]

Buggers sent my census form back

In answer to the question, 'Do you have any financial dependents?',

I put, 'Asylum seekers, pikeys, smack heads, lazy unemployable scroungers, the cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show, the British Banking System and thieving b****rd MPs!'

Apparently these answers are unnaceptable........

Oh, Yes !

[ham2]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said, “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*gg*r this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy's heading for a breakdown.’

Are you a Milton Jones fan perhaps?

I was sitting in traffic the other day....I got run over ?!

Edited April 23, 2011 by HAM2

[bigfoot]

How did you guess?

[b40rt]

What did he see in her ??????????????

[houseape1000]

What did he see in her ??????????????

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.......spoiled only by a wedding dress !!!

Kind of get that good old fashioned romantic feeling...where I'd do anything to----------

Seriously though, was it worth having her hair done, who's gonna see it !

And finally, she must think all men are slobbering retards cos I'll bet all the ones she sees are.

[ham2]

That's an old e-mail-pic that was doing the rounds many years ago but still.....

..and as for the spot on the bridesmaid's conk ...you had to see past the distraction,Derren Brown style.

[b40rt]

That's an old e-mail-pic that was doing the rounds many years ago but still.....

..and as for the spot on the bridesmaid's conk ...you had to see past the distraction,Derren Brown style.

You think that's old ? Try this :-

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc.. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."

[pa.]

With wedding fever the newly wed royals are doing it well.