slapshot 3 Posted December 22, 2008 Report Share Posted December 22, 2008 This morning on the A90, I looked over to my right and there was a Woman in a brand new Audi doing 80mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her makeup I looked away for a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much I dropped my electric razor, which knocked the pastry out of my other hand! In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile away from my ear which fell into the coffee perched between my legs! It splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Bloody women drivers!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted December 22, 2008 Report Share Posted December 22, 2008 Whose side are you on ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted December 22, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 22, 2008 Whose side are you on ? it was a gag Ross.....I know what side my bread's buttered on mate, HL reads this I'm off the Chrimbo Card list Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted December 23, 2008 Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 Best wishes to yourself, tell your dad I'me asking for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted December 24, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 24, 2008 Hi Ross, same to you and yours mate, I'll pass on the message to his nibs...if i ever get out of work... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 7, 2009 Report Share Posted January 7, 2009 (edited) An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, "The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "Sir, I am sorry to inform you that There's no money in that account. I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend !" A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of thick curtains? The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches." "Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need curtains!" The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo .... I've got Windoooooows!" A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third shop everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day shopping ever. She decided to hit a few more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She met with the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were shopping for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in ICU. It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care, 24/7 for as long as he lives and because you’re his wife, you'll be his carer!" The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The doctor then giggled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg, he's dead. What'd you buy?" Edited January 7, 2009 by B40RT Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted January 7, 2009 Report Share Posted January 7, 2009 Nice..both of them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grahamjayzee Posted January 7, 2009 Report Share Posted January 7, 2009 Sheer class B40! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 7, 2009 Report Share Posted January 7, 2009 I'm losing my touch, haven't offended anyone in days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted January 8, 2009 Report Share Posted January 8, 2009 I'm losing my touch, haven't offended anyone in days. Relax,it's only Jan 8th...there's loads of time yet! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grahamjayzee Posted January 8, 2009 Report Share Posted January 8, 2009 I'm losing my touch, haven't offended anyone in days. What you saying you haven't offended anyone. That's it; you and me, outside... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 8, 2009 Report Share Posted January 8, 2009 What you saying you haven't offended anyone. That's it; you and me, outside... Half 3, behind the bike sheds ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2009 Half 3, behind the bike sheds ? I remember (just!!) a girl at school who used to say that to blokes regularly..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grahamjayzee Posted January 8, 2009 Report Share Posted January 8, 2009 Half 3, behind the bike sheds ? If I'm not there start without me! I remember the same lass Slapshot is talking about saying that to me too... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 8, 2009 Report Share Posted January 8, 2009 I remember (just!!) a girl at school who used to say that to blokes regularly..... Yeah, but was that for a fight or a f-------- knitting forum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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