b40rt Posted January 8, 2009 Report Share Posted January 8, 2009 (edited) After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. "No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan " What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe." What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started..... ****************************************************************** ********** ****************************************************************** ********** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started..... ****************************************************************** Edited January 8, 2009 by B40RT Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2009 After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies. Must have been Dundonains Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted January 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2009 (edited) What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you? Run - She's holding the Grenade ----------------------------------------------------------------- lovingly wrapped in a creamy white vellum envelope. Seductively written in gold caligraphic writing posted using the finest stationary with a hand created first class stamp This isn't just a P45.....it's a Marks and Spencer P45 ------------------------------------------------------- A passenger taps a Taxi Driver on the shoulder, the driver craps himself, veers all over the road, nearly hits a bus and stops just before it crashes through a shop window. Passenger says **** me you're a bit jumpy. Taxi driver says "sorry mate, it's my first day. I've been driving a Hearse for the last 20 years" -------------------------------------------------------- 2 Blondes driving by some wheat fields. there's a third blonde rowing a boat halfway across the field. one blonde in the car says to the other "that's what gives us blondes a bad name", the other says, " yeah, if I could swim, I'd swim out there and drown the bitch" --------------------------------------------------------- Vidal Sasson has created some new shampoos. The first for pikeys - Go and Wash The second for Indians - Wash and fakkir off --------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet - Sorted What do you call a Chav in box - innit What do you call a Chav in jail - safe Edited January 9, 2009 by Slapshot 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 9, 2009 Report Share Posted January 9, 2009 ----------------------------------------------------------------- lovingly wrapped in a creamy white vellum envelope. Seductively written in gold caligraphic writing posted using the finest stationary with a hand created first class stamp This isn't just a P45.....it's a Marks and Spencer P45 ------------------------------------------------------- Thats a bit topical innit ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted January 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2009 -----------------------------------------------------------------lovingly wrapped in a creamy white vellum envelope. Seductively written in gold caligraphic writing posted using the finest stationary with a hand created first class stamp This isn't just a P45.....it's a Marks and Spencer P45 ------------------------------------------------------- Thats a bit topical innit ! I was after the irony Ross.... (Slapshot humbly apologises if anyone is in this unfortunate position - the joke was posted before I was aware of the situation) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 9, 2009 Report Share Posted January 9, 2009 I was after the irony Ross.... (Slapshot humbly apologises if anyone is in this unfortunate position - the joke was posted before I was aware of the situation) I come on here to escape the other real world. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 Went WAY over my head! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 response! Dear Applicant, Your application to join our online dating agency has been officially REJECTED. One of the questions we asked on the application was: 'What do you like most in a woman?' "My dick" is not an appropriate answer. Thank you for your interest, and best of luck in finding a compatible partner. Oh well! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 response!Dear Applicant, Your application to join our online dating agency has been officially REJECTED. One of the questions we asked on the application was: 'What do you like most in a woman?' "My dick" is not an appropriate answer. Thank you for your interest, and best of luck in finding a compatible partner. Oh well! You been reading my mail again ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted January 11, 2009 Report Share Posted January 11, 2009 My wife flew off the handle when my mate sent me this text:- Hi Wayne, This is Katie from find a date.com. As you're aware we've had zero response to your advert, in 6 weeks. Would you like to try 1 week without a photo? My missus,not 'getting' the joke, was funnier than the joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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