laird387 Posted January 7, 2015 Report Share Posted January 7, 2015 "An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote, If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. . . . . The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dusty23 Posted January 7, 2015 Report Share Posted January 7, 2015 Here is one , for real . My partners auntie got a new phone and learning how to txt . A friends husband died at a good age . to which she sent a txt ....... I am sorry to hear of .......... death , my thoughts are with you LOL . She was using it thinking it meant Lots Of Love ........... I love old people . 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Hi, E-Mail Note from a man in Sheffield to his friend in Birmingham:I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre.Now,the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365. My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.I've never felt safer.All Thanks to Allah. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Hi, CUCKOO?? A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire? " had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it: A) the condor the buzzard C) the cuckoo D) the vulture The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because . Her friend was, well, blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo." The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced. "I need an answer," said Meredith. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo." "Is that your final answer?" "Yes, that is my final answe r." And Meredith replied, "That answer is.... Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire! " Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, " said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?" "Oh, come on," said the blonde... "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in CLOCKS." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted January 25, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 Hi, The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad> news."> > The CEO replies: "I've had an awful day,> let's hear the good news first."> > The lawyer says: "Your wife invested> $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million."> > CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good> news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"> > The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in> bed with your secretary." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted January 27, 2015 Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 Could you please add your joke posts to our main jokes topic 'Kenny the rooster'? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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